Idk what to do man
I honestly dont know what im feeling about her. Maybe its just being able to have a mature talk. Maybe its about having a friend of the opposite gender, and having some actual respect instead of getting hated on nonstop. The air is cold. Stinging. Just like the feeling i have in my heart. Mom says its a panic attack but idk of any panic attacks lasting more than 12 hours. I feel like its the "butterflies in my stomach" but its more concentrated near the bottom of my heart. But it also feels numb. Like the feeling you get after pressing on a nerve spot for too long. Could i be in love? The way my pulse quickens when i call with her suggests so, but i honestly dont know. I feel it day and night nonstop. Like a reminder of my feelings. I cant even confess or get it off my chest because shes the only female friend i have. If i confess i feel like the friendship i have with her will end. I cant even get her off my mind, i keep thinking of her, yearning to just say it, but i cant. I feel emasculated, offended, rejected, defeated and most certainly cucked. Im scared to drop hints too, in fear of her labeling me a creep. I keep hearing her name in random things aswell. For example: the ending riff of Black Hole Sun, the hum of an MRI machine, the droning and pulsating noises of flourecent lights. I truly cannot escape her. Like the music from the hotel, like the chirping of songbirds, like the sparrows that gather on the sheet metal roof of my neighbours garage, waiting to be thrown a few scraps of bread by my grandma. She lives rent and consequence free in my mind. The air smells sweet of pollen and firecrackers, a reminder of how varied life is. Of the one single fucking constant: Her.
I decided to make tea to calm my nerves. If anybody if interested, its green tea with blueberries and chokeberries. As i brought the cup to my lips to sip, i burned myself. The burning is not unlike the heartache i feel. An initial burst of pain, then a lingering pain-like sensation. I suddenly feel warmer. Even though i havent had a drop of my tea, its like warmth. Something is missing though. Ever since we ended our call today i have a new feeling. It is now truly like those butterflies people describe. Something is still off though. I feel like a creep for how ive acted recently. Its an all encompasing feeling. About the Tiktoks ive sent her. About the things ive reffered to her as. I feel like a molester. I feel like a monster, even though she hasnt expressed any discomfort outwardly. She hasnt told me off. She hasnt protested, but i still feel as if i am causing major discomfort. I feel like i am in deep shit even though i havent done anything.
I feel grotesque for even liking her. This woman, getting molested by my thoughts. This is all my fault. I cant even drown my thoughts in alcohol, because i am merely a child. I cannot stop thinking about this. This innocent girl is getting defiled by my thoughts. I should be honoured to even talk to her. That this woman would even spare a glance at my profile. I should be thanking her for bearing with my presence for even a minute. And i want to make a distinction. I dont mean molested IN my thoughts. I am saying i feel bad for even thinking about her.
Do i confess?
I decided to make tea to calm my nerves. If anybody if interested, its green tea with blueberries and chokeberries. As i brought the cup to my lips to sip, i burned myself. The burning is not unlike the heartache i feel. An initial burst of pain, then a lingering pain-like sensation. I suddenly feel warmer. Even though i havent had a drop of my tea, its like warmth. Something is missing though. Ever since we ended our call today i have a new feeling. It is now truly like those butterflies people describe. Something is still off though. I feel like a creep for how ive acted recently. Its an all encompasing feeling. About the Tiktoks ive sent her. About the things ive reffered to her as. I feel like a molester. I feel like a monster, even though she hasnt expressed any discomfort outwardly. She hasnt told me off. She hasnt protested, but i still feel as if i am causing major discomfort. I feel like i am in deep shit even though i havent done anything.
I feel grotesque for even liking her. This woman, getting molested by my thoughts. This is all my fault. I cant even drown my thoughts in alcohol, because i am merely a child. I cannot stop thinking about this. This innocent girl is getting defiled by my thoughts. I should be honoured to even talk to her. That this woman would even spare a glance at my profile. I should be thanking her for bearing with my presence for even a minute. And i want to make a distinction. I dont mean molested IN my thoughts. I am saying i feel bad for even thinking about her.
Do i confess?
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