I don’t know whats up with me (sorry its long)
Lately, ive just had these really off days. Im happy but then i feel really down. I feel like nothing matters anymore, i don’t matter anymore, i feel like just disappearing for some reason. Its not like i have valid reasons to feel this way, my life is decent, its not like im going through things that are horrible. Dealing with my sensitivity is something i go through but it isnt that bad for me, its worse for others who have to deal with me when im like that. When people get angry towards me, it can get me emotional, like really emotional, i started crying just because someone was mad at not just me but others too. Everytime i feel like im getting better at not crying, i end up crying again. Sometimes i feel like crying when nothing is even going on. I guess some of the time its because im overwhelmed, every little noise, movement, touch becomes ten times worse randomly, suddenly im noticing everything minor action going on around me and it generally irritates me. Then i hold in my tears at cry later that night. In my friend group im known as the therapist friend. And i am, im fine being the therapist friend, i get to be the one my friends rely on when they need advice (which they sometimes don’t take) and when they need some comfort or even just someone to listen. And they are there for me even though i rarely do talk about my feelings to them. I feel like such a hypocrite, because i am. I tell my friends that its always best to talk about their feelings, that they shouldn’t see themselves as ugly, that they should love who they are as a person, that it is fine to cry, it is fine to show emotions. Yet, i seem to be bad at following my own advice. I just feel so dull and meaningless and i don’t understand why i feel this way so much. Now i do have my days where i feel great about myself, i recently tried out a new hairstyle, i even tried on dresses for the first time in years. And its not my friends faults but they said my hair would look better if it was a bit different to how it was styled, that the dresses i felt good in for once, made me look odd, only one looked somewhat okay. I don’t know. I just don’t know. If someone read all of this, thank for reading my long rant. :)