venting time lmao

i feel like i'm gonna throw up, not bc i'm sick, but bc i feel alone. i wish he was here, i wish he loved me. grahhhh why can't i be normal. I wish i were born cis, i i was he'd love me, but no, i have to be afab. i HATE it. i hate it i hate it i hate it. i wish my parents could understand the pain. i wish my friends could understand, and i wish he would. i love him, but he doesn't see me that way, i SURE of it (i've convinced myself he doesnt) yesterday we were walking down the hall after lunch, and he was showing me something on this phone and he kept "bumping" into me, where his arm would brush against me. idk if it was an accident or him trying to get closer to me. idk. hes so hard to read. he'll joke ab being homophobic (even though he's gay) but i can't tell if he actually is transphobic or not (i'm transmasc) idk. it's co confusing. i remember the first time he gave me a hug, it was back in middle school and we had gotten into a bit of a fight (i caused it) and i apologized and he gave me a hug and i broke down crying (this was like 2-3 years ago). i wish i could remember his smell. i want to go home and cry, but i have the rest of the day, PLUS i have to teach middle schoolers. i want him to hug me again, we haven't hugged since that instance. i want him so bad (not in a freaky way) alr, imma stop ranting bc i have to go to my next class, but oh well.