I am medically not allowed to be happy.
When I was thirteen I was diagnosed with severe cataplexy, which is a disorder that causes muscle weakness from feeling certain strong emotions. For most people is just buckling knees and other minor muscle weakness but for my case I lose complete control of almost all the muscles in my body, most strongly affecting my neck and back. The triggers vary from person to person but the emotions that get me are humour, nostalgia, comfort and joy. Up until a few years ago I have lived disregarding my disorder and tried to make the best of life but in the process have permanently damaged my neck and back from having constant attacks upright and my body not being able to support the weight of my head. For the past four years I have lived my life with minimal social contact, no relationships, no comfortable furniture and no hobbies I enjoy to have minimal attacks so I don’t injure myself further. I cannot hold a job due to constant attacks on the clock. I cannot have an intimate relationship due to the joy it brings me. I cannot reminisce on the past without having an attack. I cannot even get comfy on a sofa or bed without losing control of my muscles. I am the type of person that craves social interaction and have been starving myself of any meaningful relationships to minimize the amount of attacks I have. I am stuck. I want to go out there and be myself, but if I do I will continue to damage my neck and back from these attacks. I could also just keep doing what I am doing and be absolutely miserable but safe. I don’t see a way for me to be truly happy in life without sacrificing my heath for it. No idea what I am going to do. Also have to one to talk about all of this so it feels good getting this out there. Not expecting any questions or advice but it is not unwelcomed.