i dont feel at peace

sometimes when i miss him really bad i listen to joji because he looks and sounds a lot like him, and jojis his favourite artist. it makes me feel closer to him. i took the decision, i told him to meet me so i can give him his things back but he hasnt responded. i wonder if ill rver be capable. of doing something good. i wanted us to last. he is such a wonderful person. he deserves so much more than i can offer him. i keep saying that im tryingand I'll change and things will work out but it all seems like a lie. ill stay the same. im incapable of change. i just wish i didnt make him feel so shitty. he doesnt deserve that. i dont know how to love anyone. i dont know how to keep anyone. im so used to being left alone without an explanation. im so used to being left i dont know why it hurts so much this time. i shouldnt have lived this long