I just want to be a kid.
I’ve never posted on a forum or something ever. But I’m tired of waiting for this supposed help that will never come.
I’m a minor, I’m a child I’m not meant to be taking on the responsibility to explain Every single fucking emotion to my emotionally constipated parents.
I’m tired of pointing out how and what caused an argument, I’m tired of always being the one who says sorry but never getting an apology back.
Recently, I’ve been off school and my attendance has dropped to 60% (not great).
I’ve always been anxious at school and due to 4 yrs bullying .
I’ve fallen behind in classes which makes everything worse, obviously a vicious cycle.
I’ve always been sensitive, empathetic. But I tend to intellectualise everything, I want everything to have a reason.
But I’m getting tired of listening to everyone’s problems, friends and family.
I feel this need to offer support to my friends because that’s what I know I’d want if I was in their situation. But I don’t get that back, I don’t get to vent, I try to but they just make it about themselves. I feel trapped and alone. I try and find people who feel the same but no one seems to.
I get applauded for how mature I am.
I really don’t want to be.
I want to be able to reckless and not think about how my actions affect others.
I don’t want to know that the way I act could ruin someone’s day! I don’t want to.
I hate how aware I am of my actions, I hate how I notice all these little things. I don’t like how people call it a gift when all it does is exhaust me.
I open up to my parents, only because I had to get so depressive they threatened to send me away.
Because before I was “too young” to know all this, I was too young to know I was struggling. But the only reason I knew was because They didn’t, I researched every emotion, I wanted to be able to regulate them all. Because I never get a hug when I felt sad, my anger was always punished even if it WAS justified.
But since I know how to fix my problems it’s as if they don’t exist. That’s what they act like. Since I know what’s wrong all I have to do is change it.
All I have to do is change my mindset.
But they don’t offer support, I don’t understand why I have to hyper explain everything, why I need to sort and deal with their problems.
My brothers 17 and allowed to act 7.
When I point that out it’s okay, because” he’s a boy “ .
My teachers , my friends, no one seems to understand how much I hate being able to have this self awareness. They all seem to applaud me for seeming responsible.
I go to school, I act all boisterous .
But I don’t mean to, I’m just so nervous! But sometimes it feels like if I’m not jolly and happy then no one will talk to me.
I’m always expected to make the plan and take the lead. But I don’t want to. I just want to be able to relax, not worry about others.
After a stressful few months I’ve been pretty numb, I’m tired most of the time and incredibly unfocused. I finally break down about it to my mum. But she only seems to think since I’m able to voice my emotions I’m able to deal with them, alone.
Today, I almost missed school. I got stressed about how behind I was in chemistry and ran to my room because I knew I was about to have an anxiety attack.
We’ve talked about how much worse it is to scream at me and grill me about how “it’s not that big of a deal “ and that I’m “just making it all worse”
…
It’s like all the times I’ve explained how irrational anxiety is just hasn’t worked.
All the empathy she lacks hurts.
I brought it up tonight, how her screaming made everything worse and about how she’s aware what helps and what doesn’t .
Her excuse for that was she was in a bad mood. She was stressed.
Why do I need to worry about her stress? Why do I need to allow her to put her needs before mine? I thought parents were meant to put their child’s needs before own, which sounds sort of dumb I suppose but why should I be worried about her stress? She knew she was in a bad mood but didn’t apologise, she just continued to blame me because I didn’t explain how anxious I was.
I told her I was anxious, I told her I was stressed. I’ve been heavily stressed.
But because I’m aware of my stress it’s just disregarded. She claimed since I was dressed and ready for school i had no reason to be anxious.
I’m tired of parenting my parents.
I’m tired of getting no support for my problems, tired of readings others minds and stopping argument’s, mediating them.
And everyone in my life thinks I’m suicidal.
I’m not.
When I was no one supported me.
No one seemed to notice how badly depressed I’d gotten.
I think about death alot, that’s not due to wanting to die, that’s anxiety.
I don’t want to even say I might talk about suicide and the thoughts but I’d never follow through with them.
My dad thinks suicide is always selfish.
Mum thinks I’m too young to deal with those types of things.
Yet she doesn’t protect me from it? Why can I be mature to talk about some things and take on her emotions but when I confront mine I’m too young??
I’m not looking to get anyhting out of this. I just needed a place to write, I don’t want to let the adults in my life know anything more than what i tell them. Because what I say doesn’t matter, I always seem to have a solution according to them.
Thank you.
I apologise for any grammar errors!!
I’m a minor, I’m a child I’m not meant to be taking on the responsibility to explain Every single fucking emotion to my emotionally constipated parents.
I’m tired of pointing out how and what caused an argument, I’m tired of always being the one who says sorry but never getting an apology back.
Recently, I’ve been off school and my attendance has dropped to 60% (not great).
I’ve always been anxious at school and due to 4 yrs bullying .
I’ve fallen behind in classes which makes everything worse, obviously a vicious cycle.
I’ve always been sensitive, empathetic. But I tend to intellectualise everything, I want everything to have a reason.
But I’m getting tired of listening to everyone’s problems, friends and family.
I feel this need to offer support to my friends because that’s what I know I’d want if I was in their situation. But I don’t get that back, I don’t get to vent, I try to but they just make it about themselves. I feel trapped and alone. I try and find people who feel the same but no one seems to.
I get applauded for how mature I am.
I really don’t want to be.
I want to be able to reckless and not think about how my actions affect others.
I don’t want to know that the way I act could ruin someone’s day! I don’t want to.
I hate how aware I am of my actions, I hate how I notice all these little things. I don’t like how people call it a gift when all it does is exhaust me.
I open up to my parents, only because I had to get so depressive they threatened to send me away.
Because before I was “too young” to know all this, I was too young to know I was struggling. But the only reason I knew was because They didn’t, I researched every emotion, I wanted to be able to regulate them all. Because I never get a hug when I felt sad, my anger was always punished even if it WAS justified.
But since I know how to fix my problems it’s as if they don’t exist. That’s what they act like. Since I know what’s wrong all I have to do is change it.
All I have to do is change my mindset.
But they don’t offer support, I don’t understand why I have to hyper explain everything, why I need to sort and deal with their problems.
My brothers 17 and allowed to act 7.
When I point that out it’s okay, because” he’s a boy “ .
My teachers , my friends, no one seems to understand how much I hate being able to have this self awareness. They all seem to applaud me for seeming responsible.
I go to school, I act all boisterous .
But I don’t mean to, I’m just so nervous! But sometimes it feels like if I’m not jolly and happy then no one will talk to me.
I’m always expected to make the plan and take the lead. But I don’t want to. I just want to be able to relax, not worry about others.
After a stressful few months I’ve been pretty numb, I’m tired most of the time and incredibly unfocused. I finally break down about it to my mum. But she only seems to think since I’m able to voice my emotions I’m able to deal with them, alone.
Today, I almost missed school. I got stressed about how behind I was in chemistry and ran to my room because I knew I was about to have an anxiety attack.
We’ve talked about how much worse it is to scream at me and grill me about how “it’s not that big of a deal “ and that I’m “just making it all worse”
…
It’s like all the times I’ve explained how irrational anxiety is just hasn’t worked.
All the empathy she lacks hurts.
I brought it up tonight, how her screaming made everything worse and about how she’s aware what helps and what doesn’t .
Her excuse for that was she was in a bad mood. She was stressed.
Why do I need to worry about her stress? Why do I need to allow her to put her needs before mine? I thought parents were meant to put their child’s needs before own, which sounds sort of dumb I suppose but why should I be worried about her stress? She knew she was in a bad mood but didn’t apologise, she just continued to blame me because I didn’t explain how anxious I was.
I told her I was anxious, I told her I was stressed. I’ve been heavily stressed.
But because I’m aware of my stress it’s just disregarded. She claimed since I was dressed and ready for school i had no reason to be anxious.
I’m tired of parenting my parents.
I’m tired of getting no support for my problems, tired of readings others minds and stopping argument’s, mediating them.
And everyone in my life thinks I’m suicidal.
I’m not.
When I was no one supported me.
No one seemed to notice how badly depressed I’d gotten.
I think about death alot, that’s not due to wanting to die, that’s anxiety.
I don’t want to even say I might talk about suicide and the thoughts but I’d never follow through with them.
My dad thinks suicide is always selfish.
Mum thinks I’m too young to deal with those types of things.
Yet she doesn’t protect me from it? Why can I be mature to talk about some things and take on her emotions but when I confront mine I’m too young??
I’m not looking to get anyhting out of this. I just needed a place to write, I don’t want to let the adults in my life know anything more than what i tell them. Because what I say doesn’t matter, I always seem to have a solution according to them.
Thank you.
I apologise for any grammar errors!!
