I don't think I'm living right..

We're all living for the first time so of course we do mistakes sometimes or most of the time but.. Once you get into patterns you can't seem to get out of and they seem damaging even if it doesn't seem like a big deal..

I want to be known some day, to remain in the history of this world somehow, to be somewhat remembered, even if I will be remembered by just a niche group of people or noted somewhere in a history book as someone who did something. It doesn't have to be big, but I want it to be there..
I want to be remembered by my art somehow. By the things I make or do or who I was or anything, but mostly my art I think. But I don't work as much as I could and I hate myself for that.
I am lazy. I wonder if maybe I have some mental illness but to be honest, I feel like sometimes I fake it for myself to be able to excuse my shortcomings.. So it's better to assume there's nothing wrong with me and do things with the idea that I'm lazy, or that I didn't do them because I'm lazy. Social media and everything is made to be addictive, and as much as that isn't my fault it IS my fault that I domt fight more agaisnt it. I don't have self discipline. It takes so much concentration to get myself to do something at a certain time of day.
I'm honestly glad I'm managing to do all my homework. At some point i couldn't feel like getting up from the end to even open the notebook. Sure, I do it later the day rather than earlier but.. I try to console myself that I at least do it. Maybe, one day I'll be able to make myself do it earlier.. Maybe one day I'll manage to have everything in control.. Maybe one day, I'll be truly productive.. But how many days to I still have left? I don't know.. "one day or day one?", good question.. I choose the first cause I'm lazy and I find it hard to push myself to actually do even the things I like. Or I sort of reach that "one day" not even realising and it's weird.
I'm not living right, am I? Doing things the way I'm doing.. People can do it so much better and be more responsible and productive. I can't see myself as a capable adult, I can't view it. I should have stuff figured out but I don't have anything ready or up to term. I'm losing myself while trying to gain control. It's hard to keep track of it all when you've postponed everything your whole life..

I'm sorry for this messy vent. I just allowed myself to type as to what came to my head one after another.
If there's anyone else feeling like this, maybe we got this buddy. Let's not lose hope, even if it's hard..

in10RjFox · M

To be known someday you have to start being known from today.

To be remembered you need to get into others memory.

So start getting out and start to enter the lives of people.

Once you start,
people would remember you
and start calling you.

in10RjFox · M

@Gasgapodol only when you pm me I shall remember you.. once you forget me, my memory too dismembers you and we are forgotten in each other's memory. That's why they say keep in touch. 😜

in10RjFox · M

@Gasgapodol

I'm not living right, am I? Doing things the way I'm doing.. People can do it so much better and be more responsible and productive.

Yes. You don't know how to live life. You have trust issues. Which means.. you are untrustworthy as even you don't trust yourself. Living life in an insecure manner.