Idk what to title this.

Ill be going by beanie, my nick name. Im 15 years old and im struggling mentally. I struggle with selfharm and self-problems. Latley my mother has yelled at me everytime i get home and telling me how i ruin her life and all i do is upset her and that im an a$$hole. I want her to love me i know its not my fault nor am i actually doing anything wrong but i really want to feel the love of a mother and i dont think im ever going to get that. She tells me everday how much of an asshole i am and that hurts so much and a lot more bc school is very mentally draining for me so i have no energy and all im feeling is sadness im tored of smiling and being alive. I dont want to really end my life but theres been 2-3 times in the past week ive gotten really close to doing it. These arent my only problems please dotn tell me im overreacting, this is just whats happening in the moment. I just want to know that someone relates to me, adivice, anything. I need help.