The sad truth is, some days I don't feel like I belong in my life.
I'm a tool...
My kindness is taken for weakness. I'm easy going and because of PTSD I have a high threshold for tolerating bullshit. So I'm the perfect person to feed empty promises and lies.
I exist to serve. I married and had a child with a man who made me believe he was my rock, but truth is, as safe as he was and is, he's more like a fat lump. We've been divorced a long time and I've tried so hard to make things pleasant for our son, but I find myself being used by his selfishness still. And I'm afraid our son is learning from this.
He supposed to move across the country with us, and I am freaking out, because he's more of a responsibility than a help. Not only that but he's fat, lazy and pompous about it. It's so much work to get him to be considerate, then the next day he throws it all in the garbage and I'm back to square one with him. But I'm stuck. He's the only family I have.
People are so selfish. I don't want pity because I have a dead family, I just want hugs like everyone else. I'm tired of feeling like I owe people above and beyond when I work so hard to maintain a baseline of sanity. Because they don't understand what a privilege it is to have back up. Then want and need of me, me, who starts every single day at zero.
Do I give up, no. Do I seek attention, no. I don't do the easy things. I feel like people see me giving my all and they want a ride. They tease at the idea of giving to me, knowing damn well they'll take everything.
I wish I could shove everyone off except my son, but when I did that before, it was difficult to the point of destructive. He needs people besides me. His tool of a mother who spent her whole life trying to be brave, smart, kind and heal from childhood crap, only to be junk.
At this point it's not about self worth. I built that up all on my own. It's about being stuck with shitty people because there is no one else. No one wants us or accepts us. We traveled the country seeking connection and were treated like junk.
I don't know what to do anymore. I push people away and then cry because I am alone. I don't feel connected to people because I can't supply them with anything anymore. I'm too depleted at this point to be seen as worth it.
And all I can do is cry about it. Alone.
I'm so afraid for my son. His dad has severe health issues because he's fat and lazy. I will always live with the threat of cancer. He has no one else.
My poor boy. I try so hard. I try so hard for you baby.
My kindness is taken for weakness. I'm easy going and because of PTSD I have a high threshold for tolerating bullshit. So I'm the perfect person to feed empty promises and lies.
I exist to serve. I married and had a child with a man who made me believe he was my rock, but truth is, as safe as he was and is, he's more like a fat lump. We've been divorced a long time and I've tried so hard to make things pleasant for our son, but I find myself being used by his selfishness still. And I'm afraid our son is learning from this.
He supposed to move across the country with us, and I am freaking out, because he's more of a responsibility than a help. Not only that but he's fat, lazy and pompous about it. It's so much work to get him to be considerate, then the next day he throws it all in the garbage and I'm back to square one with him. But I'm stuck. He's the only family I have.
People are so selfish. I don't want pity because I have a dead family, I just want hugs like everyone else. I'm tired of feeling like I owe people above and beyond when I work so hard to maintain a baseline of sanity. Because they don't understand what a privilege it is to have back up. Then want and need of me, me, who starts every single day at zero.
Do I give up, no. Do I seek attention, no. I don't do the easy things. I feel like people see me giving my all and they want a ride. They tease at the idea of giving to me, knowing damn well they'll take everything.
I wish I could shove everyone off except my son, but when I did that before, it was difficult to the point of destructive. He needs people besides me. His tool of a mother who spent her whole life trying to be brave, smart, kind and heal from childhood crap, only to be junk.
At this point it's not about self worth. I built that up all on my own. It's about being stuck with shitty people because there is no one else. No one wants us or accepts us. We traveled the country seeking connection and were treated like junk.
I don't know what to do anymore. I push people away and then cry because I am alone. I don't feel connected to people because I can't supply them with anything anymore. I'm too depleted at this point to be seen as worth it.
And all I can do is cry about it. Alone.
I'm so afraid for my son. His dad has severe health issues because he's fat and lazy. I will always live with the threat of cancer. He has no one else.
My poor boy. I try so hard. I try so hard for you baby.
36-40, F
