Failure's disappointment

I thought I was doing good, that doing my best would be enough, that trying my hardest would pay off, but all I got was disappointment. My academic performance has been greatly disappointing, I try my hardest but it seems like it's not enough. I gave up my sleep, eating, and my free time but I always end up not doing as good as what I want to be.

Today...we had our Proposal Defense for our research paper, a friend who was in the classroom overheard the panelists, and it looked like they just forced themselves to Approve and accept our study, they've made some revisions and recommendations, yes, but still, finding out the fact that they were second guessing us felt really... discouraging and disappointing. As the leader of our group, I feel like it was all my fault, that I failed my responsibility as the leader, that because of me everything did not go as smoothly as I expected it to be. It's even a heavier load when I know that people around me had expectations. Expectations that I wasn't able to reach, yes, they didn't say it out loud, but their silent expectations is poison for me to take in. I'm loosing confidence, I don't want to be a leader anymore, I'm not fit to be a leader. I'm a failure to myself. I am disappointed with myself.

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Lackwittyname · 51-55, M

Sorry you are going through these hard times, I know what that is like.

The advice I can give is you are in a spiral, where you are putting all of your time and efforts into your school work, sacrificing sleep, eating and free time. While I understand doing that, it is counterproductive because you are feeding more and more into the stresses that you are facing. Sleep and eating are vital to recharging your body, otherwise you become more drained and more stressed. Free time to clear your head is important too, even if just 30 minutes to get away from it.

As far as being a leader and feeling like you are failing, that is tough. I would say instead of seeing yourself as a failure, step back, let someone else lead as you suggest. Observe and learn what another person does. Leaders do not always succeed, but what they can do is learn from their mistakes, learn from others and incorporate those into a new style. You are still young according to your listed age, it would probably help to observe. One of your free time activities could be to take some online leadership courses that you can do at your own pace. So you will get a break from studies, at the same time furthering yourself in your goals.

Try not to beat yourself up and see yourself as a disappointment, but as someone that is trying and maybe bit off more than you can handle. Rather see yourself as someone that is putting in great effort but might need help as well.