mother, im tired

as i grew up my parents always argued. My mom would hit me and my dad wasnt there, one day my mom found another man and abandoned me when i needed her the most. Since then my grades were going downhill. I only had 4's 2's and 6's. My parentd arguing did actually affect me, it wasnt just overreacting. 1 month ago i found out my mom has a mental illness. I wasnt devastated, she deserved it. I was abused my whole life. I h@te when im around her, beacuse she always vapes x smokes, it just annoys me, when she kisses my step dad. I h@te the sound, she's short tempered and has severe anger issues. As a kid i never got love, i was always the ugly kid and the "never enough" cousin. My mom always complained about she would rather k!ll herself than see my face. Why? What did i do? Am i a mistake? Do grades really define me? What about my mental health? Why does she like my step father more than her kid? She abandoned me for him, she abandoned her family. She left me alone with my father, no food and lonely. I didnt know how to cook since i was a kid. Somehow she always had a problem with me, wishing i was never born. I didnt turn out how she wanted. I h@te my body and my nose, especially my lips. Im so disgusted with my body and im ugly. Why cant i be pretty? I was only 9.