Nothing is the same

I feel like shit. Im suddenly getting sad because of the fact that i want things to be the way they were before. I Just wanna go back to when i was younger. I feel like even though i am teenager, it doesnt feel like im in my childhood anymore. The World is diferent. I feel different. And theres no way to fix it now. I miss not feeling insecure about being underweight. I miss having a nice childhood without having to worry about looking more mature and cool. I miss when the World Was Just fun and beautiful things. Everything feels meaningless. My dad never cared about me, and now I Just see him a few times a year and he gives my mom money and expensive presents for me. At first I liked it and thought that he decided to become more present, but now it Just makes me think that he Just dissapeared my whole life and Just came Back and made me forgive him with a few presents. I wanna talk about all of this with my mom, but i Just dont Want her to feel sad, guilty or worried about me. My only escape is my Phone and books. I dont Know What to do or feel.