Hey, I just wanted to say that I completely resonate with what you're saying, and that I have never seen thoughts so similar to my own put in this way.

I think we unfortunately have to accept this reality that we live in, no matter how much we want to disappear or escape from it. I think it's impossible to be truly happy and carefree and the people who are can only seemingly be so and often tell me that I am boring and too negative and of course it is just my opinion and others can have theirs, therefore it is not impossible to think other ways but I don't think we should.
We are our own person with our own way to think, process, feel and live, I don't think there is a right or wrong version to think of one's life and that we still must keep living in our own way no matter how hard it is. I understand what it is to feel so hopeless and disorientated, but it will never always be the exact same amount of those feelings everyday. I like to think that we are constantly changing, not just throughout the years, but throughout days, minutes, our thoughts also change. I think these small changes don't mean they are for the better or worse but just different stages of our perception of ourselves, so we aren't necessarily stuck to a single place mentally, ever.

I sometimes compare myself how I was when I was better when I'm feeling shit or when I was worse when I'm feeling better, but honestly it is something that is not linear. I don't think we can just put more weight the good or bad things, as it tends to focus too much on those things and feelings that we are not considering other thoughts and feelings at the present time. (I hope this is coherent I'm sorry if it's not) Whatever has happened, whether it was a positive or a negative thing, whether we remember or not isn't erased from who we are today.