The stained tears beyond the shame

A lot of people tell others everything gonna be better even though they know the feelings will stay the same. People are coping with their temper happiness and lying to themselves that they're happy. If life is as good as they say then why do we always feel sadness more than happiness? Drowning in the dwelling hole of sorrow, reaching out our hands and hoping someone will accept it and let us out of this circle of agony. I often feel no joy or sorrow. It's just dull, but not completely numb. I don't know what I want. I don't want anyone but I also don't wanna be alone, I don't want to die but I also don't want to live like this. Talking about my problems to others makes me feel bad. I don't want to grow up but I also don't want to be a kid once again I also hate being a silly emotional teenager, yet I'm scared to die. Suicide is just so painful, the idea of being apart from the person I love, unable to do the things I still want to do. The thought when I see someone struggle with their feelings, I feel super annoyed and think that it's their problem, it's their life and they should be able to manage it themselves but I also have problems myself and hope there will be someone who comforts me whenever I need them. Give me genuine love and care, and that just makes me feel really bad and sick of myself. I just want to shove my fingers down my throat and puke every thought of mine out. I don't want to be like this but people can hardly be changed. I just hate everything about life. Life is just so easy. Born, live then die but why such complex and annoying emotions we gotta feel all along the way of living? People tell people to keep fighting but the true goal is withering away from this world like a leaf falling from its tree. It makes me think if it's worth it to fight with the enemies we don't even if it's exist in the first place and know we will lose it all in the end someday. So many youths die at such a young age yet no one seems to care that much. Mourning and crying for someone's death but then pretending like nothing has happened because life is about to move on. All we gotta care is about our own lives. It's depressing but that's true. Truth cannot be denied no matter how fast we run away from it. What we can do is accept it and keep hoping with the hopeless wish.