I have trauma

Um well I’m new here on this site and I still don’t feel comfortable with talking about my problems because I’m so used to being alone. I can’t seem to remember well off my childhood or the recent years. I absolutely suck at communicating or telling people how I feel ,like crying is a sign of weakness for me, and I’m usually the therapist for my friends I feel like no one really cares about my problems though, maybe it’s because I don’t share it ? I’ve always been the type of person to stare outside windows and just go blank at important times or not so important times . I have friends a lot of them but sometimes it’s just lonely even though I’m not alone maybe it’s because i made it that way for myself. I don’t seem to understand myself as a person and I find it difficult to understand when to actually express my emotions at the right time. I laughed at the fact that my friend’s grandma passed away maybe it’s because my grandma passed away too. Maybe I’m just a bad person. I say I’m sorry excessively even when it’s not even my fault or my problem. I’m sorry for the long paragraph this is the first time I’ve felt so free just to write bs and no one can judge me. If you do read this I want you to know that if you need to talk I can always listen to you.💜💜 Do forgive me for my grammar and enjoy the new year