Update and vent

Im back, and I can assure you guys that i am NOT dead. I just had to take a break from social media. I'm here, once again to let out my emotions since I have no one to talk to.
Trigger warning for some of you, this vent has some mentions about SA, SH and abuse.
I have no idea how to start this, but it all started when someone in my class talked about self harm. They were all joking about cutting their wrists slit, and one girl even have fresh cuts on her wrist, proudly showing it off. I did get triggered, and as soon I got home, I felt the urge to get back to my bad habits again. I urgently searched for my blade, and started cutting my wrist while crying nonstop. You know when you're crying about something, and you just cry about everything? exactly. I felt disgusted and angry on myself for letting those two kids touch me. I felt a burning hatred towards my mom for abusing me mentally and physically. I felt sick towards that old guy for touching me when I was 6. I let everything out and didn't hold back. The next day, I went to school, exhausted like always. My classmates kept on picking on me, insulting and leaving me out for being a nerd and a greedy achiever. I just want to feel better, but it seems like my life is on a loop. No one to talk to, everyone shaming me, and all of it. Im very fed up. I've tried to kill myself alot of times, but every attempt failed. Thank you for taking your time to read this useless vent, i just wanted to feel better.