Losing my friend, my special person

Since the beginning of 2023, I started taking antidepressants and began living my best life. I have never been this happy before. Stable job, good prospects for future, my beloved friend circle always supporting me.

My best friend is the kind of person who never thought being in a relationship was possible for her. She has no patience for men and she will not stoop down to educate about morality, about how to be a decent human being, which many women have to do if they want a male partner. She has standards that most people don't reach. We've been friends since 2019. She is also deeply traumatised, from what I understand. She used to be easily angered, our friendship had so many ups and downs.

And me too. I was 19 when we met first, I was a kid I cannot remember now. Point is, we grew up together. Not like childhood friends do, but mentally. We both became much better people together (I am so proud of us and so thankful). It took so much pain, but so much love from both sides. We hurt each other, we forgave each other, we learned how to communicate.

I know her so well. I know she is asexual. She doesn't like physical contact. She has little patience for strangers. She has anxiety so profound, she overthinks every relationship from the moment she meets someone, deciding at the beginning if a romantic relation is possible and how it would end. It's difficult for her. She has boundaries that, if crossed, she leaves right away. She always told me she would never be with a friend, because it's a fast track to losing them

And yet, two weeks ago she said she's in a relationship with a friend. I always told her she should try being with a girl. And it is what she did. And it is what hurts so much. She's with a girl
just like me, a friend just like me, but not me.

Why not me? Have we been through too much together? When I think about them kissing for the first time, I get so jealous. I could kiss her better, gentler, I could kiss her with more emotion. Because I love her. So much.

I always wanted to be with her. But I know her. At one point we agreed, we would both hate each other if we were in a relationship. And I don't wanna lose her as a friend.

But it's so difficult when she says they have plans so we can't hang out. She's trying things out that I always wanted her to know, things I never knew she would actually pursue herself. I fantasised they could be with me. Now that option is gone, it's done.

And I'm so happy for her, because I know she would love to be in a good relationship, despite everything. And I got to support her, and I will. She tells me of difficulties she has, feeling strange about everything new and I give her ideas on how to overcome that. I'm actively supporting their relationship. But. I'm dying inside. And she can never know.