sad & regret

I don’t know how to explain how I feel. Some days I feel okay, happy, fine and upset. I met this guy named arian online. Me and him started as friends then started getting into the talking stage. We talked for awhile then got into something serious. We had so much things in common. We talked almost every single day. We sent paragraphs, had our I love you battles, our arguments, our laughs, our calls literally anything other couples would do together. Everything was going well till we started arguing more over the smallest things. I always had a problem with everything and so we broke up. I started talking to more new people and I blocked him, once he was blocked he went and told his friends to text me. He always tried to find a way to text me but could never get ahold of me because of my settings. There was that one day where I unblocked him didn’t think much of it till that same day I unblocked him he started texting me telling me about everything. He still was the same person I knew. The sweet, caring, loving man. I thought my feelings for him were completely gone so I was being very dry. I would leave him on seen when he tried texting me, when he sent essays I would just say ok to them. I was heartless. When he stopped texting me, I was surprised. I texted him checking up on him not because I wanted him to get back with me but because I wanted to check up on him. I texted him and everything felt so different. He changed. He wasn’t that sweet, loving and caring person I knew. He was someone else I no longer recognize. He told me how he’s been those past few days and all I ever did was hurt him. I didn’t care at first because I thought he would get over it as quick but he didn’t. He cried to his mom, he was struggling and struggling till he realized I didn’t care so he stopped. A month passed by, i slowly started to realize I started missing him. I missed everything we had and him. I realized so much things during those times that passed by. I texted him again and told him everything, he said he no longer can’t be with me because of how much hurt I caused him. I accepted that and took it then left. Months and months passed by.. till this day, I still miss him. I still wish if I never was so difficult he would’ve never gave up on me. I would always cry to God “why did I have to be so difficult at that time”. I cried and cried for days. I was suffering. Every guy I would try and talk to, I would always think about him. The little mistakes these guys would always make have me thinking to myself “arian would’ve never made those mistakes like they did” he was very different from others. I was his first love and he was my second. I miss you so much arian.