i don't know what to do anymore

This has been the shittiest my life has ever gotten. My friends are slowly becoming distant, this certain group of people have caused me so much uncomfortableness all because I liked this friend of theirs and not to mention, this friend of theirs was dishonest to me. It all felt as if she only wanted me to be around her because it reminded her of how it felt like to be liked by someone. For validation, honestly. It all hurts so bad. I felt like I was used up and I couldn't even tell anyone because I feel like I'm not valid enough to rant about this. It's so so so suffocating. Everything hurts so bad but I have to force myself to appear alright because I don't want to weird people out. It's really hard. And also, I'm going to a new school this year. Two schools, I think. The first school is where most of my friends will go but my family can't afford it and the scholarship isn't even guaranteed. The second school is a school where I have no one to rely on all because nobody is going to go there and I haven't told anyone about going there just yet because I feel like my friends will only turn their backs against me. I hate feeling so suffocated. I wish I could get my good moral again so I can go to this second school. Even though it's hard to admit, I feel like the second school would be a better choice simply because nobody is going to know me so the judgements wouldn't hurt so bad. My friends,, are slowly becoming those kind of friends where the environment is as heavy as the burden I carry. I wish everything would be okay because the urge of killing myself has always been an easier option and one more misery is enough to succumb to it. I do not know what to do. I do not even know why I'm here. I just needed to let it out. To vent. To tell people about it online because I no longer feel safe in confiding with people I'm supposed to grow old with. I hate myself but I wish things would get better.