i dont want to live in a hole anymore

My dad came to see me yesterday I haven't seen him for years i really didn't want him to stay but he stayed for a day and we spent the day together after school now i see why i didn't want him to say it hurts not having him here but I just gotta thug it out I dont have any nicotine and i feel like im gonna self harm nicotine was the only thing helping me escape from reality I hope I find happiness cause im tiered and god knows how much im trying each day. its suffocating being me and going to school everyday. i just wanna be numb