i just needed to vent somewhere. im sorry. i seriously need help

I sometimes wish if I'll be okay. but the way I talk to people, act around people, putting on fake smiles around people it's not me. I wanted to be someone different for so long. I have been. now I don't even know who i am anymore. why she's here, who she's with, who's she's truly friends with, how she actually is, how she feels deep down.. the way I'm acting right now isn't me. i was happy, smiley, funny, and shy. but this person is afraid. afraid of how the world will think of her, this person is embarrassed on how she dresses, talks, acts, her grades, her family, her life choices. this version of me is always mad, annoyed, upset. she's hurting and she knows that but she won't speak up about it. she's holding up a wall where only a few people are able to be let in. she told people about her past and some people used it against her, that's one of the worst days she had to go through. this version of me hasn't had a real childhood, a real teenage life with friends and a good family. she's 16 and she hasn't witnessed any of that. i am living under a strict household with barely any experience in the real world. im trapped, there's no way I can get out. I sometimes wish I had a different father, different mother, a family who's still together, a good childhood, good friends, a nice neighborhood, a better place, better clothes, sometimes wish I was rich. I wish I was skinny/fit. I wish I wasn't told I'm skinny all the time even though people just say things based the clothing I wear or how skinny my wrists are, or how bad my side profile is or nose shape. i wish i wasnt the tall kid in my grade. I wish my mom was different, I wish my dad was a better dad, I wish my sisters weren't my sisters, I wish I wasn't the way I am. I wish I would stop comparing myself to other woman. I wish I stopped having trust issues, jealousy issues, attachment issues, anger issues, I wish I wasn't physically and mentally hurt. I just wanna be okay. like seriously. I wanna be loved by people. i wish i never became toxic and manipulative after all the people who hurt me. i'm tired of feeling this pain, i cant speak up about it to anyone or i'll get sent away, im tired of cutting myself under the pressure or anxiety or emotions or the people who are still hurting me. i need to be heard but in a different way, i wish i could talk in public without my social anxiety getting in the way. i just wish i wasnt born. the pain ive been going through since i was 4 is still rushing back to me everyday. every memory i had. 12 years of my life has been ruined by my mom, "step dad", dad, friends, old friends, sisters, my brother, being betrayed by my own brother was the worst part. he gave me a memory im gonna remember forever even if he doesnt remember anymore. the trauma in my life is still there, the fears, the wonders, the wishes, the hopes. there all there. i'm tired of apologizing so much, everytime im in an argument or someone says something i apologize.