Just a vent

I’m not gonna lie At all. I want to pour my heart on the page. I’m 13F Yeah I know ok. But I’m scared I’m anxious I feel sad and hopeless iv lost apitite and iv lost all motivation. I procrastinate like crazy and idk what to do. I swear everyone hates me I swear even online or irl. I’m being homeschooled rn. I use to go to school uk until a little over a year ago. When I had to move house for personal reasons as my family was struggling. I feel so lonely I just want friends. Iv lost contact with my old friends I feel so alone . As I write this I feel cold it’s really warm in. Here but I’m experiencing chills nearly all the time it’s like a wave of anxiousness that I can’t control. My budgie died 6 months ago and I miss him like crazy back then I was alone btt it id tell him everything he was always with me when he died T all started to go down hill it was from that point. Iv hit Rock bottom rn. My cats now gone missing and I have no one left. My realtionships with my parents is ok but I can’t talk to them about this. They always put all their attention on my brother. I can’t I’m so lonely I want to talk to someone anyone. I just want to be honest to them I don’t want to lie I don’t want to pretend to be someone taht I’m not. But I don’t think anyone at alllnows me and I dkngbthink I know myself either. I cry nearly every night I Cry everyday I hold back reward cause j hate anyone seeing me cry even family. I feel hopeless. I’m hopeless. As I said rn I’m homeschooled and I just can’t anymore. I can’t I just can’t do shit I’m so stupid I use to be an all A student when I went to school. I’m not even so insecure about myself I don’t care about what I look like too much it’s just my personality I hate myself I hate myself sm and I just want someone. I want someone to talk to. I want to get organised again. Contemplated suicide but it feels stupid I’ll never do it so much to live for but why fight. I’m not gonna look myself but I’m just gonna live in this rut and repeat over and over again. I’m just lonely I’m stessed anxious I hate myself I feel sad I struggle falling asleep very night I go to bed and stay awake for another 4 hours I can’t. I’m a mess and idk what to do.