Just need to vent a bit

I dont understand what is so wrong with me. I do know what some problems are, and I adress them to the best of my ability and it is never enough. I try over and over again but no matter what it is seriously not ever enough. I dont know why I can't comprehend basic human knowledge or skills or anything really. I dont know why I'm so incredibly stupid. All I ever do is turn myself into a punching bag for other people, and even myself. No matter what I will always make a fool of myself just for people to like me, or acknowledge the fact I'm aware of everything that they see in me too. Then I cry about it. I cry over shit that I do to myself. There is so much I would do to go back and prevent little me from discovering, or going through just to see myself grow up a better person, better than whatever the hell is wrong with me now. I have a genuine, deep hatred for myself. I dont hate people, and I dont hate everything around me. I hate myself and I dont think there are words to describe how much I despise my own existence. And by the looks of it, I dont think it will ever change. I wish I had the guts to take my own life but I dont, and nobody will do it for me so I guess I'm stuck. I'm no longer even filled with anger, or rage, or sadness, or even pity. I dont know how to describe these feelings or emotions. I apologize if you've read all this, and I apologize for the awful spelling and grammer, its just my thoughts I typed out here.