I want to just get this out of my head.. 🤕

Sometimes, randomly, I would become so sad, suicidal even, I want to tell someone my feelings at that very moment, but its so hard, i never tell anyone, I can't handle it sometimes. ive been sober for a long time now, maybe a year but, i don't think i can hold on anymore. Ive been coping by venting on spotify playlist descriptions and creating a playlist whenever i have a suicidal thought, I add one song in, distracting myself for awhile.

I'm sad about everything and everyone, Ive been sad about this break up since the 13th of September 2021. I know he doesn't like me back anymore. Maybe I'm sad because of this? For nearly 1 year and a half, i can't live as happy because of this? I wish, maybe, i can go back, become a better boyfriend? Just start talking to him everyday. For the first few days, it felt like nothing.. but then it hit me one day, like a curse , how dare I feel that way.

Every small thing in my life, makes me so sad, I don't have someone to be there that accepts me as me, I don't have anyone that understands my issues, I have nobody to vent to. I have nothing. I have friends, yes, but i still feel lonely. I feel so selfish and rude. How dare I.