just straight up vent, u can scroll

for a while i’ve been wondering why i am so lonely all the time. Like it’s not just about romantic relationships it’s about everything; like family and friendships? yeah, i kinda suck at that. i sometimes stop myself from doing certain things because i come to the realization that with or without me, their lives would be the exact same, probably easier. as an example, my childhood best friend has been using me since the very first day of our friendship. when we were little, she would go and play with other kids because i was “too annoying” and then i’d just go home and cry my eyes out just to get called “ too sensitive “. my whole life i’ve been looking for excuses just to be around her more. i was telling myself that “ even though she’s leaving now, she’ll surely come back “ yeah, she didn’t. i mean she did but not in the way you would expect. she was going out with this girl who seemed to be perfect for her, like they were getting along really well and i didn’t think ab it too much until one particular night when she said that that girl was her best friend. pretty stupid, right? maybe. maybe not. all i know is that after one year of her telling me ab how much fun she was having with her best friend and i was growing more and more exhausted of being used, i slowly drifted apart from her and everything that our relationship ever meant and i turned off the switch . i just… raised my guard up and left it there since. there’s only one problem: i am in highschool right now, freshman year. for the last 5 years i’ve been living in my head more that i should, like, a constant need of daydreaming. but now i want to be more present in the real world and do something about that aching loneliness. I feel like i’m unlovable and even if i crave physical touch i hate it with all my life. i cannot do that tho, because i always have my guard up and according to some of my friends i seem scary and unapproachable on the outside. If i don’t let my guard down, i will never be loved ( thing which i will always deny even if i know that i want it ) and if i do, i’ll forever hate myself for doing it. letting my guard down, means letting people mess with you. i despise that. at the beginning of this school year , i started liking this one particular guy who’s just out of my league and i’ve been struggling to get him out of my head for the last 4 months or so because he already has a girlfriend who totally seems perfect for him and i am aware that he will never be mine and it’s ok. also my grades are dropping, and my family is always telling me that i most probably won’t pass which makes everyting even better.i just wish i wasn’t as stuck in the mud as i am right now. glad i’m still able to hide it tho