I hate myself (tw mentions of suicde)

It's that time of whenever the fuck where i am horridly spiraling to the point im so close to disappearing myself. I hate it. So much. I will NEVER be enough. I assure you no one likes being called a selfish egoistic person that only knows how to step on other people for putting themselves and their well-being first before others. In the end i was too scared of what people would think of me because of that. I put others before me while wrapping myself up around the thought that if i don't comply everyone will hate me and it only messed me up even more. I am terrible at saying no I am horrible at establishing boundaries I am scared at the thought of being alone I am pathetic.
I miss the confidence i had years ago before "that" happened. I've been so disconnected with the real world that when i came back and decided to face it again EVERYTHING changed so much that i am so confused. Everyone I cared about changed so much from the way they act their humour their interests and what they like. I felt like a stranger. I felt like a foreigner. I hate the fact that i can't keep up 2 minutes of public speaking without stuttering and messing up my speech I hate the fact my knees feel shaky and my hands feels sweaty after socializing with people.
And yet no matter how tired i am i can never give in because I still have people I care about and i can never leave them unless they leave me first. I've sworn to myself that I won't do anything silly for their sake as i want to be there with them for them. I want to see them grow old and live a happy life even if i couldn't. That is the only promise that i have never broke but it's been so hard keeping that promise for so long. I want to convince myself that i don't want to leave.