my body feels wrong

i feel like whenever i see myself any part of me at all i just feel "wrong" if you know what i mean. its not a trans thing well it kinda is but its more than that too i just see everyone and i envy them so much because theyre cis i will never have a real childhood experience and its making everything hard to process i put a smile on but i feel shit now cause of it and i dont want to tell anyone because i dont wanna put any pressure on anyone but everything feels wrong and the elastic band isnt working as much anymore and i genuinely feel like im on the edge of a relapse but im almost a year clean and its scaring me so much