People I thought would never leave me have left

I had a great friend group. It consisted of me,J,A,Z and H. For a while everything was nice but then the arguments started. Z,J and H couldn't get along. They always found something to fight over. Z and J are best friends so they were always against H. I didn't know what to do. All me and A could do was watch and comfort them the best we could. Then came the worst part. They decided to break up the friend group. Me and A were forced to choose a side. A stayed with H but couldn't stop talking to J since they're in a relationship. Meanwhile I was stuck. I couldn't stay with both without the others leaving me. So I tried to choose but kept getting sent back and forth until finally it stopped. I was with J and Z and everything was okay. At least that's what i kept telling myself. But I wasn't okay. I couldn't let go of H or A. The truth was all that I ever wanted was us to be a big happy group again. But it seemed no matter what I did I couldn't get J or Z to see that. And I know I can't force them to be friends but I just wish they couldn't see how much I'm suffering. It's been 2 years of constant fights and switching sides and I was sick of it. Z and J couldn't get over their hate for H. I thought they were good people I truly did so I told them how I felt. I talked to J. He got upset because it reminded him too much of his own issues. I could tell he didn't want to talk about it. In that moment a wave of emotions hit me and I thought. "Wait,was this all my fault? I just wanted to talk but all I've done is make him upset." I didn't want to make people upset because of my problems so I stayed quiet. After a while I tried again but this time to Z. He didn't listen. He isn't a very understanding person. He just loves to joke. He listened sure but he didn't understand. "We shouldn't talk about this." He said. "You're going to cause another argument." Those words stuck with me for so long they still affect me now. After that I felt that no matter how much they hurt me I could say nothing because I didn't want the fighting to start again. So I stayed quiet. I let them push my mental health as low as it could go. I spent hours every night hurting because I realized that being with them was turning me into them. I cried knowing all my hate for H was never real and that I had just listened to everything they said. I knew all this but could never say anything to them or H because I knew what would happen. One day I couldn't take anymore. I was done with them. They ruined my mental health to the point where I could never trust anyone ever again. I stopped trusting my father because him and J were so similar. It made me feel like he should've been his son instead. I snapped. I told Z everything I felt. And he was right. An argument broke out between us. I couldn't stop. I was full of anger and sadness and just let everything out. The next day I found out Z had told J what happened and I went to school feeling better about myself with a clear mind just to be shouted at by who I thought would've understood me. He didn't even feel like the same person anymore. He yelled and complained about how everything I said was pure BS and that they never did anything to me. I fell into a pit of despair. It's like they never even cared in the first place. Like all I was to them was a sign that they won the arguments they made. The way Z smirked at me as I cried just proved that to me. I spent all day yelling at myself to stop crying. A who had seen the whole thing, tried her best to comfort me. I was so happy when even H tried to help. But then got pushed down further knowing how much I had hurt H by agreeing with everything Z and J had said. I was an idiot for not seeing the bigger picture. I knew now whose side I should've been taking and now knowing that just breaks me. I just can't believe the two people I thought really cared about me and would always be there could be so cruel. I tried so hard to make them happy for them to do this? I just want everyone to be happy. I tried as hard as I could. For 2 years I tried to keep everyone from starting an argument. All in vain. I just wish I had known sooner so I wouldn't be so attached. That's all I want to say. Have a good morning,evening and night and thank you for listening to me.