Why do I feel guilty?
My bratty brother (he wasn't always like this) finally got his first real beating and lately I've given up on life and just become numb mostly because of my brother and because I've been dissociatiating myself. I've been cleaning this house making meals we've had times when we were so happy and I tried but my brother kept fucking it up. He'd piss on the floor wipe his ass on clothes to get a reaction. He would also always push me to get mad while I was cleaning to the point I had to blast my ears with headphones to get cleaning done. Cleaning used to be fun for me, but now I struggle. My mom buys junk most days and honestly she has a huge victim mindset. She thinks buying kids junk food everyday and letting them sit on their ass playing games is spoiling them. (Which I guess it is) but it's not in a good way. Everytime she gives them the devices back at some point because she feels bad. I can't blame her I used to feel bad for my brother because he'd cry from a little slap while I got glass thrown at my head how many times. He used to defend me when I got beatings and now he laughs. I've always learnt to ignore and be mature, but lately my patience is terrible I lash out at my little siblings when I'm mad. I remember when my younger brother said I'm just making him do everything because that's what my mom did, made me do everything. And that hurt thing is my brother he plays stupid and innocent thats how he gets away with stuff. Of course it got to a point my
mental health was just over and I had to start sticking up for myself and arguing back and getting smart bac so he understood. He'd throw a fit and smash up the house. Boom That's more damages my mom has to pay for all because I stood up for myself. At this point I'm at a loss but my mom let's them do what they want cause it's easier. She's pregnant due in 2 months I feel I should add and she's stressed back on smoking. I'm jus t tired of living like this I don't go to school and I have to get back on track of course I won't ever be happy again. I have a eating disorder which my mom just kept adding onto she fed me junk when I tried hard to go healthy. She says fuck my "diet" when I feel like crap and want to better myself so I can stop being a POS. I hate being in this situation with a single mom, but I don want another one of her bfs as a dad because they always end up being manipulative evil people seems my mom attracts that type. I wanted to care for my brother but I never will again he doesn't gaf or have respect. UGH. And I'm 15 and don't go to school. I'm so weak mentally and physically. But I'm gonna at least try chances of me committing are low. But if I wasn't here my mom would have a bf looking after them and ik how that'll end up like. So sad my mom ended up so similar to her mom I hate to say it. I said I would end the cycle, but damn I sure thought it would be easier. I've changed, for the worst. Every decision I make is just so bad I always make things harder for myself. Just yikes can't believe babies nearly here. I need to atleast fake it and not talk to my brother at all. My older brother is a whole other issue he's too big and even hits me and my mom but he has autism so. Wish I could communicate with my mom to talk and help her but I already have trauma from her that I can't get over.
mental health was just over and I had to start sticking up for myself and arguing back and getting smart bac so he understood. He'd throw a fit and smash up the house. Boom That's more damages my mom has to pay for all because I stood up for myself. At this point I'm at a loss but my mom let's them do what they want cause it's easier. She's pregnant due in 2 months I feel I should add and she's stressed back on smoking. I'm jus t tired of living like this I don't go to school and I have to get back on track of course I won't ever be happy again. I have a eating disorder which my mom just kept adding onto she fed me junk when I tried hard to go healthy. She says fuck my "diet" when I feel like crap and want to better myself so I can stop being a POS. I hate being in this situation with a single mom, but I don want another one of her bfs as a dad because they always end up being manipulative evil people seems my mom attracts that type. I wanted to care for my brother but I never will again he doesn't gaf or have respect. UGH. And I'm 15 and don't go to school. I'm so weak mentally and physically. But I'm gonna at least try chances of me committing are low. But if I wasn't here my mom would have a bf looking after them and ik how that'll end up like. So sad my mom ended up so similar to her mom I hate to say it. I said I would end the cycle, but damn I sure thought it would be easier. I've changed, for the worst. Every decision I make is just so bad I always make things harder for myself. Just yikes can't believe babies nearly here. I need to atleast fake it and not talk to my brother at all. My older brother is a whole other issue he's too big and even hits me and my mom but he has autism so. Wish I could communicate with my mom to talk and help her but I already have trauma from her that I can't get over.
18-21