hiding behind a mask

Sometimes it feels like everyone sees you as an object instead of a person. When I was 12-13, everyone did this to me, especially in school. I was gifted in all subjects that were given at the time, and was always the smartest in the room. I had extreme anxiety, and had just cut my hair to a very short length. People made fun of my hair and mocked me for it. But when it came down to group projects, all the work was dumped on me. I'd stay up for hours just trying to get a passing grade. When people got picked to be partnered with me, they would celebrate as though they didn't just bully me for the past 6 years. And for the people that didn't get picked with me, they would say things like, "I wish I had you to do all the work" or "Can you do the work for us too?" It crushed my sleep schedule and the way I thought of myself. My close friends tried to help me realize I was doing too much for people who hurt me in return, but I had been doing it for so long I just didn't know how to stop. I was the kid other people's parents wanted, the one that wasn't disrespectful, rude, not smart, or sad all the time. I don't think anybody saw how much I was living a lie, because no one ever asked me how I was doing, or what my life was really like. My classmates just guessed that I had a perfect life with a perfect family, but they were wrong. My parents had me young, and split apart when I was two. I still had a great relationship with both, but it still affected me greatly. When I got a stepdad, we didn't get along very well. One moment I will always remember, I was 10, trying to get my dog to go outside. The dog peed in the hallway as I struggled to get the front door open. I saw, and decided I would clean it up as soon as I go the dog outside. My baby brother ran by, slipped, and hit his head on the concrete floor. I was still trying to get the open, shaking the doorknob furiously, trying as hard as I could to just open it. When I finally got it open and the dog ran out. I turned around to help my brother, but as I did, my stepfather was standing over him and glaring at me. "Why would you do that!" he yelled. I tried to explain that I was going to clean it up, but he wouldn't listen to me. He kept saying that I could've killed my brother and that I was useless. By now I was shaking and sobbing, saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" He just kept on yelling. My mother came in, telling him that it wasn't my fault, and to stop yelling. they then started arguing, my brother still crying. My head just filled with awful thoughts about the situation. I ran. I ran out the door, and into woods. I was out there for about 20 minutes, my grandma and mother kept calling my name, looking for me. I just kept sobbing until I had no tears left to cry. When I went back inside, my mother apologized, and said he was just angry right now. I just nodded and went on with life. It permanently effected how I reacted to getting in trouble. Every time I would accidently do something, I would start sobbing and saying I was sorry and didn't mean too. Even with that, I was still an overachiever that always had a good attitude. In school, I sat by my main bully. He picked on me everyday. Used me for homework. I never said anything. It's not like anyone would have cared if I did, they just tore my heart and soul out multiple times a day. Left me there with nothing left but a body that I was shamed for. I started sh-ing soon after that, when one of my classmates saw, they were so confused. Why would the perfect and smart kid want to die? They had everything good right? Right? If I ever did commit, they would all come to my funeral like they all cared, crying and realize what they had done. Sometimes I wish I would have done it.