honestly idk anymore

I think I am a perfectionist, but I'm not so sure. I read something about it, but I always kind of decline stuff that I consider something that makes me just- not normal. But it just really fits me. The point is, I don't want to be a perfectionist. I always thought that people who are perfectionists are just people like most moms in their late thirties that want every holiday to be perfect, but apparently not. Also, it's considered a toxic trait? And often connected with OCD, depression, anxiety, etc. I also read about some treatments and how to overcome perfectionism, mostly it was about therapy, but I'm definitely not going to some random person and telling them about my whole damn life. And even though I'm still rejecting it, I know its just part of me- but I'm also so scared it'll ruin my whole life cause honestly as a kid I loved drawing so I did draw, then I went to art school in our town, I made few mistakes and even tho I still love art, I don't get up and do it, I just think about it I guess. I loved reading, but around this time I found myself struggling to read one of Oscars Wilde's books and now I just don't want to get up and read. I ruin my relationship over little imperfections. I hate immediately everything I do because it's just not perfect. I never try anything new cause I'm scared of failure. And I'm just fucking feeling like such a failure, one little mistake and I'm already so disappointed in myself and just wish there was a quit button like in some video game. There isn't one tho, and I hate so much how I always, or sometimes, try to act confident cause apparently that's attractive and makes people like you more. Because, ngl, everyone is gonna know after some time that I'm just not that person I am trying to be- and then when I finally have a real like tear of confidence then it's all gone in a minute because I forgot to do something, failure, I got a bad grade, failure, I tried to do smth and it's not how I wanted it, failure. Everything just turns into one big mistake and the fucking worst is that I am the fucking creator of all that. Yk i am just the whole fucking mistake, I am not perfect and I'm just a disappointment.