it’s all too much

i recently started college and a part time job. i have a partner (they/it pronouns) and i have a loving family. yet, i still feel so empty. sure, when im around them i can smile on occasion, maybe even properly laugh once or twice, but when im alone i just find myself more and more suicidal. i fucking hate venting so fucking much because i feel like such a manipulative arsehole when i do it, as if im saying “if you leave me ill kms”. i genuinely have never been this suicidal and depressed since my abusive relationship, yet i have no reason to be. i have a loving partner, a loving family, a good academic record and a promising future, yet i just want it all to end. honestly all that’s stopping me is my mum, my partner and my cats, which sounds stupid as hell lol. i just want to sit at the top of a tall building with a ton of junk food, alcohol and weed and just,, let it all go. i havent cried in months, maybe it’s been a year. i have been sad, i have depressive episodes at least once a day and i have gone through loss,, yet i just.. cant cry. im so tired and i just want it all to end.