Nothing to do

There's nothing i can do.
Yet these emotions weigh me down,
and i know, i know
that these weights around me
are there bcoz i choose them to be there.
bcoz i don't want to let go.

i dont want to face the world,
i dont want to live in conflict or in peace.
how does one find strength
to keep going on.

i watched those korean series,
but romantic love cannot cure this.
time passing doesn't do anything.
time is not a healer.
i still feel the anger and sadness i felt
as a kid for my parents.
i've forgiven them, i talk to them normally,
but these emotions sometimes
are too heavy.
i had to grow up as a kid
bcoz they weren't there for me.
i sometimes hate how i have become
always trying to be responsible,
always showing i'm strong.
even when he underwent surgery,
i had to be the strong one,
the whole family is so selfish abt hospitals,
not once did anyone allow me to be weak,
not once did i allow myself to be weak.
i dont know what it takes to ask for help
when i need help.
i'm a coward at expressing
when i'm weak or when i need help.

Congratulations to myself on 9 years of survivor's guilt,
emotions and not letting go.
if i could i wouldve gotten drunk tonight,
but i can't so i will just avoid everyone
as i'm good at that.


(no comments please. just writing this to vent. thanks!)