i fell in love with two boys who are older than me n i can’t have either.
okay, context.
i met them both at a summer camp counselor meeting this past school year (i was fourteen, both of them were sixteen. eighth grade n tenth grade), n i saw one of them n immediately thought he was attractive. we’ll just call him b for sake of privacy. i saw him at the meeting n thought he was really pretty but i didn’t know how to approach him. it didn’t help that at the time i was talking to someone else (calling him j) n dealing with a lot of friend drama (that’s a whole other story…). the other guy i was talking to would’ve never worked out, but it still wasn’t fair to him. that being said, he fucked me over later, but we’ll get there. more context—i’m openly queer, use a name that isn’t my legal name, and am afab. i live in a southern state so there’s a lot of very conservative people here, the guy i was talking to at the time being one of them.
meeting b, that was a big concern of mine. one of my friends was there n she already knew him bc of her sisters. i asked abt him n found out he had a gf, n that she was one of the people there. we’ll call her a.
i didn’t speak to him at all at the meeting. i did, however, speak to someone else. we’ll call him r. i didn’t find him attractive immediately like with b, but i did feel drawn to him from the start in a way. at the time he had a gf too but that didn’t become relevant until much later n i didn’t know at the time.
fast forward from april to june, when i see all of them again at the actual camp. i hadn’t seen a single one of them since the meeting but i was still so obsessed with b for some reason. i’ve always had issues with dissociation, daydreaming, etc so it somewhat made sense to me, but it had never happened with a real person so i didn’t know what to do or think.
the camp lasted five days and i spent most of them with r and another counselor, she doesn’t have any relevance to my issues (and is another b name, so…) so we’ll leave her out. with r, things were so easy. he made me really happy. b, on the other hand, i still didn’t speak to at all those five days.
instead, i made eye contact with him so fucking often. it was strange. at the meeting, we kept looking at each other, n at camp as well, but neither of us ever went up n spoke to the other. i wonder now if things would be different if i’d just gone ahead n done it sooner, but i can’t change it so it doesn’t really matter.
while at camp, i realized that i really didn’t need j bc he didn’t deserve me. i mean, really, i put myself through so much discomfort for him even tho i could do better. he never made me as happy as the people at camp did. we’ll come back to him in a bit.
i exchanged socials with r and spoke to him a lil bit after camp, right when i got home. we had a short convo n then didn’t speak again for a while.
i didn’t try to talk to j n he didn’t speak to me either. abt a week passed n the roe v wade stuff happened, so my friend asked him for his thoughts on it. ofc, he agreed with the supreme court’s decision. when talking to my friend, he actually fucking said “you’re being emotional, are you on your period?”
naturally i got pissed n confronted him myself. same shit happened n then it got personal. in a WEEK he had moved on from everything that had happened between us n got a gf. yeah, dodged a bullet there.
fast forward to august. still obsessed with b n haven’t spoken much to r.
except then i was starting high school, n i would be seeing both of them in school.
i didn’t have any classes with them bc we were two juniors n a freshman, but i did see both of them at lunch.
n the fucking eye contact continued.
now, over the summer i had cut n bleached my hair, so r didn’t recognize me at first.
eventually i dmed him abt it n we started talking a lil.
still never spoke to b.
abt midway through august, maybe the start of september (idr), a bunch of stuff happened with my friend group. left with barely anyone to talk to, i reached out to r. that was when our friendship really kicked off.
admittedly i was partially talking to him for more opportunities to really meet b (who, through asking other friends—specifically j’s older brother who is so much better than j—was a good, smart guy who respected other people’s identities n was in the gifted program, same as me), but then i started really liking talking to r. he was so supportive, n he never made me feel bad abt myself.
bit of time went by n i realized i caught feelings for him. i told him, n he was chill abt it. he’d broken up with his gf abt a week prior, n i didn’t want to be a rebound but i don’t like keeping secrets like that.
it didn’t change anything between us, n i’m kinda grateful for that honestly. i’d love to do more with him but i’m also happy with where we are.
anyway fast forward a teensy bit to the homecoming football game, when i spent a decent amount of the time with r, b, n the rest of their group. it was really fun, n it kinda got me started on becoming more comfortable with the whole group.
then homecoming. god, it was fucking amazing.
i spent an hour with r, b, a, the whole group. i was the only freshman aside from my friend who i dragged along n eventually left to go find people he knew. i looked great n i had the time of my life dancing with r (not really dancing WITH him, but ykwim). it was one of the best nights of my life.
the funny thing is that i spoke to a, who is b’s gf, and got her snap, but didn’t directly speak to b. i spent so long around him n still couldn’t work up the courage to just say smth.
abt a week later we had another football game that i went to. honestly i don’t remember much of that one. then the following week we had another, n i spent the whole fucking time with r, b, n a. it was so indescribably fun. i was scared at first bc i wasn’t sure if they’d be okay with me being in the group but then i settled in n it was such a comforting space to be in. i FINALLY got b’s snap n sorta spoke to him.
that was last week, on thursday. it is now monday.
i snapped b n he didn’t even open it. i’m hoping he just doesn’t use it often, considering his low snapscore, but still. it hurts to not even be given a fucking chance.
idk how but i’ve fallen so deeply in love with both b n r. it hurts bc i know i can’t have either. it hurts even more bc i don’t really have anyone to talk to abt it. i don’t feel like any of my friends truly care abt me anymore except for r n obviously i can’t talk to him abt all of this.
(oh, teeny detail. r is seventeen, i’m fifteen, b is sixteen)
i just don’t know what to do. i hate that it’s bothering me so much but i’m truly so lonely n i just want to love him n be loved in return n i can’t have that n it hurts. i want to feel cared for n right now, i really don’t. i hate everyone or they hate me or they don’t care abt me as much as their other friends. i’m just fucking alone at this point.
my attendance n grades are getting kinda bad too, mostly attendance. when i get sad, i can’t get out of bed for school, which makes me feel worse n it just loops. to make it worse, my mom fucking sucks bc she’s a manipulative narcissist (n she made me just like her) n my dad is a pushover who listens to her so i have no constant support systems from home. i have no one. it always ends like this n i’m losing the willpower to try anymore.
idk, i’ll take advice, comforting words, whatever you’ve got. i just need help honestly :/
i met them both at a summer camp counselor meeting this past school year (i was fourteen, both of them were sixteen. eighth grade n tenth grade), n i saw one of them n immediately thought he was attractive. we’ll just call him b for sake of privacy. i saw him at the meeting n thought he was really pretty but i didn’t know how to approach him. it didn’t help that at the time i was talking to someone else (calling him j) n dealing with a lot of friend drama (that’s a whole other story…). the other guy i was talking to would’ve never worked out, but it still wasn’t fair to him. that being said, he fucked me over later, but we’ll get there. more context—i’m openly queer, use a name that isn’t my legal name, and am afab. i live in a southern state so there’s a lot of very conservative people here, the guy i was talking to at the time being one of them.
meeting b, that was a big concern of mine. one of my friends was there n she already knew him bc of her sisters. i asked abt him n found out he had a gf, n that she was one of the people there. we’ll call her a.
i didn’t speak to him at all at the meeting. i did, however, speak to someone else. we’ll call him r. i didn’t find him attractive immediately like with b, but i did feel drawn to him from the start in a way. at the time he had a gf too but that didn’t become relevant until much later n i didn’t know at the time.
fast forward from april to june, when i see all of them again at the actual camp. i hadn’t seen a single one of them since the meeting but i was still so obsessed with b for some reason. i’ve always had issues with dissociation, daydreaming, etc so it somewhat made sense to me, but it had never happened with a real person so i didn’t know what to do or think.
the camp lasted five days and i spent most of them with r and another counselor, she doesn’t have any relevance to my issues (and is another b name, so…) so we’ll leave her out. with r, things were so easy. he made me really happy. b, on the other hand, i still didn’t speak to at all those five days.
instead, i made eye contact with him so fucking often. it was strange. at the meeting, we kept looking at each other, n at camp as well, but neither of us ever went up n spoke to the other. i wonder now if things would be different if i’d just gone ahead n done it sooner, but i can’t change it so it doesn’t really matter.
while at camp, i realized that i really didn’t need j bc he didn’t deserve me. i mean, really, i put myself through so much discomfort for him even tho i could do better. he never made me as happy as the people at camp did. we’ll come back to him in a bit.
i exchanged socials with r and spoke to him a lil bit after camp, right when i got home. we had a short convo n then didn’t speak again for a while.
i didn’t try to talk to j n he didn’t speak to me either. abt a week passed n the roe v wade stuff happened, so my friend asked him for his thoughts on it. ofc, he agreed with the supreme court’s decision. when talking to my friend, he actually fucking said “you’re being emotional, are you on your period?”
naturally i got pissed n confronted him myself. same shit happened n then it got personal. in a WEEK he had moved on from everything that had happened between us n got a gf. yeah, dodged a bullet there.
fast forward to august. still obsessed with b n haven’t spoken much to r.
except then i was starting high school, n i would be seeing both of them in school.
i didn’t have any classes with them bc we were two juniors n a freshman, but i did see both of them at lunch.
n the fucking eye contact continued.
now, over the summer i had cut n bleached my hair, so r didn’t recognize me at first.
eventually i dmed him abt it n we started talking a lil.
still never spoke to b.
abt midway through august, maybe the start of september (idr), a bunch of stuff happened with my friend group. left with barely anyone to talk to, i reached out to r. that was when our friendship really kicked off.
admittedly i was partially talking to him for more opportunities to really meet b (who, through asking other friends—specifically j’s older brother who is so much better than j—was a good, smart guy who respected other people’s identities n was in the gifted program, same as me), but then i started really liking talking to r. he was so supportive, n he never made me feel bad abt myself.
bit of time went by n i realized i caught feelings for him. i told him, n he was chill abt it. he’d broken up with his gf abt a week prior, n i didn’t want to be a rebound but i don’t like keeping secrets like that.
it didn’t change anything between us, n i’m kinda grateful for that honestly. i’d love to do more with him but i’m also happy with where we are.
anyway fast forward a teensy bit to the homecoming football game, when i spent a decent amount of the time with r, b, n the rest of their group. it was really fun, n it kinda got me started on becoming more comfortable with the whole group.
then homecoming. god, it was fucking amazing.
i spent an hour with r, b, a, the whole group. i was the only freshman aside from my friend who i dragged along n eventually left to go find people he knew. i looked great n i had the time of my life dancing with r (not really dancing WITH him, but ykwim). it was one of the best nights of my life.
the funny thing is that i spoke to a, who is b’s gf, and got her snap, but didn’t directly speak to b. i spent so long around him n still couldn’t work up the courage to just say smth.
abt a week later we had another football game that i went to. honestly i don’t remember much of that one. then the following week we had another, n i spent the whole fucking time with r, b, n a. it was so indescribably fun. i was scared at first bc i wasn’t sure if they’d be okay with me being in the group but then i settled in n it was such a comforting space to be in. i FINALLY got b’s snap n sorta spoke to him.
that was last week, on thursday. it is now monday.
i snapped b n he didn’t even open it. i’m hoping he just doesn’t use it often, considering his low snapscore, but still. it hurts to not even be given a fucking chance.
idk how but i’ve fallen so deeply in love with both b n r. it hurts bc i know i can’t have either. it hurts even more bc i don’t really have anyone to talk to abt it. i don’t feel like any of my friends truly care abt me anymore except for r n obviously i can’t talk to him abt all of this.
(oh, teeny detail. r is seventeen, i’m fifteen, b is sixteen)
i just don’t know what to do. i hate that it’s bothering me so much but i’m truly so lonely n i just want to love him n be loved in return n i can’t have that n it hurts. i want to feel cared for n right now, i really don’t. i hate everyone or they hate me or they don’t care abt me as much as their other friends. i’m just fucking alone at this point.
my attendance n grades are getting kinda bad too, mostly attendance. when i get sad, i can’t get out of bed for school, which makes me feel worse n it just loops. to make it worse, my mom fucking sucks bc she’s a manipulative narcissist (n she made me just like her) n my dad is a pushover who listens to her so i have no constant support systems from home. i have no one. it always ends like this n i’m losing the willpower to try anymore.
idk, i’ll take advice, comforting words, whatever you’ve got. i just need help honestly :/
