Lost, lonely & overwhelmed. Im so fucking tired

Literally just venting, theres no point to this. I just dont know what to do anymore. Im so overwhelmed and tired, everything is pointless, I wish I didnt exist. I resent my parents for having me. I resent them for not being better parents. I resent myself for not being a better human and sucking at life. My antidepressants arent helping much but I just dont have it in me to go through all the hassle of getting on different ones. I know I will probably feel a bit better after a couple days cuz my period is due to start any day now and I know my depression spikes to insane levels for a few days before it starts. I know that suggests I probably also have pmdd on top of my regular depression, I dont really care at this point. I cant vent like this in real life cuz I have to stay functional and pleasant, no one in my life can be trusted to know how I really feel. But I am so fucking tired and its getting harder and harder to keep it together. The older I get the more i suspect I likely also gave adhd and some level of autism too, but Im never going to try getting those diagnosed cuz I feel like no one would take me seriously, its just a lot of effort for little payoff. Also, I am poor, money stress is close to breaking me. I work retail and im on my feet all day long which sucks cuz my feet are in constant agony. Ug, being alive is so much fun right? Fuck. I just want to cry all the time. I cant regulate my emotions well, heck I cant even relate to my own emotions. Growing up I got hit or yelled at for having "negative" emotions. Therapy right? I need therapy? Yea that would be great but Im so fucking broke I dont know when, if ever, I will be able to do that. Im so tired. Im not suicidal tho, cuz I have cats and I'd never leave them to wonder why I'm suddenly not there. Also, my parents would never get over it. I just wish i never existed. Or would it be too much to ask for the world to just explode? Is this going to be my life forever? Why does life have to be so hard? I struggle so much with just the basic everyday stuff humans need to do. On top of all that, probably because of all that actually, I hate people. Humans are an annoying and horrible species. Capable of such greatness but so easily stoop to such cruelty. I despise that I am in their ranks. Yet, I am incredibly lonely, I crave connection but I will avoid it at all costs. Im just so so so freaking tired of existing