my story..?
Um hello everyone!! I don't think that anybody will see this but i just need this.
So my story pretty complicated, but I'll try to explain. Also there's sh in the story so be aware for a trigger!
I guess my first sad event-or you can say trauma-was that my mom died when i was 6. I really loved her, and it was really hard to accept that she's gone. Especially because i was a kid.
Than my dad and I moved to my step-mother, who's actually my father's ex-wife. And I never really liked her. She's manipulative, annoying, stupid and mostly she's not my mom. She always wanted to be, but she simply can't replace a woman, who was 100 times better than her. But she cannot accept this.
So since i was little, i had this woman as a bad people in my life. All right, she loves me (too much), and got me everything i wanted, but she's still a bad person. Don't hate her, just not a fan, I could say.
Besides that..I was always a little chubby girl. And i wasn't attractive. And i was so so annoying. So yeah i would probably bully my past self.
I was bullied a lot in elementary school. Especially for my weight, and because i was a little shit lol. Even though now i think i deserved it, it felt so bad. Since then I have infreriority complex, and hate myself. I also did sh at the time, but it was just a few scratches (because i was scared), so it's not a big deal.
I never really had close firends, just a lot fake i guess. My first really best friend is still in my life, and we get on well i hope. But that's not the point. This whole story it about my 2. best friend.
I always named her my comfort friend, to not hurt my actual best friend (cause it isn't cool to have more best friend i guess). So in 7th and 8th grade i got really close with this girl, and we had a lot of fun. She was always there for me, didn't find me annoying (or she didn't say it), and i was completely myself with her.
And then there's 9th grade. We went to different schools, and just never talked again. I felt like she replaced me, cause she got a new best friend in her school. And the people there were just so cool compared to me, so i never texted her, because i felt like she doesn't need me. These thoughts were horrible, and i really suffered. I started sh every day and my mental health never been so bad before.
This went till January (it started in September), and she texted me.My stepmom called her,and asked why we never talk, when we were so close. So we started talking again. At first it was a little embarassing, but as the time went, we got really really close again. Closer than before.
I thought that when she's back, i will be happy, and all of my problems are going to dissapear. But they didn't. They got worse, and i still can't say why. She was with me, i could have been happy. Right?
Also i started therapy at that time (March), but i don't know if it helps.
So yeah now her and I are so close. Or at least i hope, cause i cannot lose her again. She's my everything. She's the only one who cares. Really.
So that's one part and there's an other part..yeah sorry lol.
Um so I'm queer. I had a hard time figuring that out in April. I thought i was bi, and i was really scared and confused. See my parents are really old and homophobic. So i will never tell them ig.
Right now I know that I'm omnisexual, and i'm really happy with that. It's comfortable.
So there was a summer camp. My friend group and I were going as always. There i came out to them (as bi). I have (had) a friend who's a lesbian. And in the camp, i noticed that she possibly likes me. I never find her really attractive, but i really liked her personlity. She's cool and funny, and also into that stuff as I am.
So i fell in love with her. We held hands, listened to music together, slept in eachothers jumper and watched the stars together. It was probably the most romantic experience in my life so far (i had a couple of bfs, but they just never worked).
So 2 weeks later we got together with this girl. I founf out that se had a crush on me since December. I was really happy. I knew that my life isn't going to be perfect, but i had someone who'll listening to me, and someone who cared (besides my best friend ofc). So yeah it was all going well (i was her first relationship ever). But at the end of the summer i suspected that she isnt in love with me anymore. And i was right. She lost feelings and could not handle a relationship in her mental state. She said to me through a text. So i got depressed again. I just really dont understand why things always go bad for me and why am i unloveable.
So here I am. Im doing sh right now, but not on a daily basis (i will not write details). Im too lazy and tired. I just really hate myself. My body, my behavior, my appereance and everything.
Also I really really miss her. We are friends now (cause she wanted to be), but it hurts so much, cause ik that she doesn't love me as i love her.
I have an amazing friendgroup of 3 (my best friend, a guy, and me). I just really really hope that it lasts, because i have nobody besides them, who i can truly be myself. I really love them, and we have a lot of plans to do!
So yeah that's me, obviously i left thing out, because they're boring or not that important (or im just lazy), but that's the important part.
I hope you guys doing well, and take care of yourself!!!!
(also im sorry for the spelling and grammatic mistakes, english isnt my first language)
So my story pretty complicated, but I'll try to explain. Also there's sh in the story so be aware for a trigger!
I guess my first sad event-or you can say trauma-was that my mom died when i was 6. I really loved her, and it was really hard to accept that she's gone. Especially because i was a kid.
Than my dad and I moved to my step-mother, who's actually my father's ex-wife. And I never really liked her. She's manipulative, annoying, stupid and mostly she's not my mom. She always wanted to be, but she simply can't replace a woman, who was 100 times better than her. But she cannot accept this.
So since i was little, i had this woman as a bad people in my life. All right, she loves me (too much), and got me everything i wanted, but she's still a bad person. Don't hate her, just not a fan, I could say.
Besides that..I was always a little chubby girl. And i wasn't attractive. And i was so so annoying. So yeah i would probably bully my past self.
I was bullied a lot in elementary school. Especially for my weight, and because i was a little shit lol. Even though now i think i deserved it, it felt so bad. Since then I have infreriority complex, and hate myself. I also did sh at the time, but it was just a few scratches (because i was scared), so it's not a big deal.
I never really had close firends, just a lot fake i guess. My first really best friend is still in my life, and we get on well i hope. But that's not the point. This whole story it about my 2. best friend.
I always named her my comfort friend, to not hurt my actual best friend (cause it isn't cool to have more best friend i guess). So in 7th and 8th grade i got really close with this girl, and we had a lot of fun. She was always there for me, didn't find me annoying (or she didn't say it), and i was completely myself with her.
And then there's 9th grade. We went to different schools, and just never talked again. I felt like she replaced me, cause she got a new best friend in her school. And the people there were just so cool compared to me, so i never texted her, because i felt like she doesn't need me. These thoughts were horrible, and i really suffered. I started sh every day and my mental health never been so bad before.
This went till January (it started in September), and she texted me.My stepmom called her,and asked why we never talk, when we were so close. So we started talking again. At first it was a little embarassing, but as the time went, we got really really close again. Closer than before.
I thought that when she's back, i will be happy, and all of my problems are going to dissapear. But they didn't. They got worse, and i still can't say why. She was with me, i could have been happy. Right?
Also i started therapy at that time (March), but i don't know if it helps.
So yeah now her and I are so close. Or at least i hope, cause i cannot lose her again. She's my everything. She's the only one who cares. Really.
So that's one part and there's an other part..yeah sorry lol.
Um so I'm queer. I had a hard time figuring that out in April. I thought i was bi, and i was really scared and confused. See my parents are really old and homophobic. So i will never tell them ig.
Right now I know that I'm omnisexual, and i'm really happy with that. It's comfortable.
So there was a summer camp. My friend group and I were going as always. There i came out to them (as bi). I have (had) a friend who's a lesbian. And in the camp, i noticed that she possibly likes me. I never find her really attractive, but i really liked her personlity. She's cool and funny, and also into that stuff as I am.
So i fell in love with her. We held hands, listened to music together, slept in eachothers jumper and watched the stars together. It was probably the most romantic experience in my life so far (i had a couple of bfs, but they just never worked).
So 2 weeks later we got together with this girl. I founf out that se had a crush on me since December. I was really happy. I knew that my life isn't going to be perfect, but i had someone who'll listening to me, and someone who cared (besides my best friend ofc). So yeah it was all going well (i was her first relationship ever). But at the end of the summer i suspected that she isnt in love with me anymore. And i was right. She lost feelings and could not handle a relationship in her mental state. She said to me through a text. So i got depressed again. I just really dont understand why things always go bad for me and why am i unloveable.
So here I am. Im doing sh right now, but not on a daily basis (i will not write details). Im too lazy and tired. I just really hate myself. My body, my behavior, my appereance and everything.
Also I really really miss her. We are friends now (cause she wanted to be), but it hurts so much, cause ik that she doesn't love me as i love her.
I have an amazing friendgroup of 3 (my best friend, a guy, and me). I just really really hope that it lasts, because i have nobody besides them, who i can truly be myself. I really love them, and we have a lot of plans to do!
So yeah that's me, obviously i left thing out, because they're boring or not that important (or im just lazy), but that's the important part.
I hope you guys doing well, and take care of yourself!!!!
(also im sorry for the spelling and grammatic mistakes, english isnt my first language)
