Be real with me for a minute.
Hi, so uh.
This is pretty weird me doing this out in the open, letting hundreds of you know the exact thought i'm thinking right now.
You can call me blue.
I'm a young female, and for years iv struggled with body dysmorphia, eating disorders and all that.
I struggle everyday.
I went through a lot this past few years, for example my mother was mentally and almost physically abused along side with her, me, blue.
For years my mother and i have had a rocky relationship. I'm always the one to be taking care of her, it's always been like that.
I never once doubt my decision to look after her for all those years whilst i was still growing and learning myself as a teenager, but a few months ago whilst she let this man into our family, just me and her.
She knew the risks of going into that relationship, and i remembered a couple hours ago randomly . ( this is months ago) I called her begging on the phone to come home because he slammed me into a couch and screamed in my face until i was on the floor balling my eyes out to the point where i physically could not breath for the life of me.
I thought i was dying.
And she said "i'm at work" and hung up.
Or how everyone would look at me like i was lying because i was the bad kid in school and how i was over -reacting because i didn't like him.
Once we were removed of that household and it was just me and her again, again i had to look past of what i went through and worry about her, and that's okay .
But as months pass, i resent her for it.
She has had a lot of trauma in her child hood, of S/A, etc.
And i feel so horrible for her because she was told to be quiet about it by her parents.
I knew she just wanted the perfect little family and love makes you blind and i know that.
But i can't help but feel resent for her, she let him for months continue to terrorise me.
But i know i'm the only person that cares about her and i hate that i hate her, but i don't understand how you put love for a man over your daughter.
I will never take away what she went through, because she has been through so much in life.
It just sucks that she thinks i'm over being mentally and some what physically abused, she thinks that it just is over for me and iv told her it's not.
And i know if i tell my dad he'll fight her for custody and i love my dad i do, but he is also so mentally controlling and i can't live with that, not again.
And whilst all of that is in the back of my mind each night before i want to fall asleep, i then remember how at school these group of boys, which were once my friends. say "all she does is eat her gym weights" "she won't stick with it" "thunder thighs" "no one would hit that". i already struggle profusely with my weight and i hate myself every single day of every year of every decade. i hate myself i really do. and guys please don't hate me, because i know i go to a nice school and have clothes on my back and i'm very loved and i just don't know it.
I know i have a lot to be thankful for, but for now.
For right now in this moment, how do i not resent my mother for what she's done, without her constantly being a victim in my situation, or how do i get over the face i'm 1 of 4 'chubby' girls in my entire grade, i wake up and i hate myself i hate my looks i hate my finger nails and i go to sleep thinking about those exact same things , day in, day out.
I just want someone to hear me and listen to me, without saying "it's okay" "sorry you had to go through that" "your loved and beautiful just the way you are"
Please tell me something real, be real with me, talk to me like a human being and not some poor child.
I apologise for this long rant, let's me honest if you've made it this far i must be incredibly interesting and sad.
But thank you for reading, and please message me about anything.
Sincerely, Blue.
This is pretty weird me doing this out in the open, letting hundreds of you know the exact thought i'm thinking right now.
You can call me blue.
I'm a young female, and for years iv struggled with body dysmorphia, eating disorders and all that.
I struggle everyday.
I went through a lot this past few years, for example my mother was mentally and almost physically abused along side with her, me, blue.
For years my mother and i have had a rocky relationship. I'm always the one to be taking care of her, it's always been like that.
I never once doubt my decision to look after her for all those years whilst i was still growing and learning myself as a teenager, but a few months ago whilst she let this man into our family, just me and her.
She knew the risks of going into that relationship, and i remembered a couple hours ago randomly . ( this is months ago) I called her begging on the phone to come home because he slammed me into a couch and screamed in my face until i was on the floor balling my eyes out to the point where i physically could not breath for the life of me.
I thought i was dying.
And she said "i'm at work" and hung up.
Or how everyone would look at me like i was lying because i was the bad kid in school and how i was over -reacting because i didn't like him.
Once we were removed of that household and it was just me and her again, again i had to look past of what i went through and worry about her, and that's okay .
But as months pass, i resent her for it.
She has had a lot of trauma in her child hood, of S/A, etc.
And i feel so horrible for her because she was told to be quiet about it by her parents.
I knew she just wanted the perfect little family and love makes you blind and i know that.
But i can't help but feel resent for her, she let him for months continue to terrorise me.
But i know i'm the only person that cares about her and i hate that i hate her, but i don't understand how you put love for a man over your daughter.
I will never take away what she went through, because she has been through so much in life.
It just sucks that she thinks i'm over being mentally and some what physically abused, she thinks that it just is over for me and iv told her it's not.
And i know if i tell my dad he'll fight her for custody and i love my dad i do, but he is also so mentally controlling and i can't live with that, not again.
And whilst all of that is in the back of my mind each night before i want to fall asleep, i then remember how at school these group of boys, which were once my friends. say "all she does is eat her gym weights" "she won't stick with it" "thunder thighs" "no one would hit that". i already struggle profusely with my weight and i hate myself every single day of every year of every decade. i hate myself i really do. and guys please don't hate me, because i know i go to a nice school and have clothes on my back and i'm very loved and i just don't know it.
I know i have a lot to be thankful for, but for now.
For right now in this moment, how do i not resent my mother for what she's done, without her constantly being a victim in my situation, or how do i get over the face i'm 1 of 4 'chubby' girls in my entire grade, i wake up and i hate myself i hate my looks i hate my finger nails and i go to sleep thinking about those exact same things , day in, day out.
I just want someone to hear me and listen to me, without saying "it's okay" "sorry you had to go through that" "your loved and beautiful just the way you are"
Please tell me something real, be real with me, talk to me like a human being and not some poor child.
I apologise for this long rant, let's me honest if you've made it this far i must be incredibly interesting and sad.
But thank you for reading, and please message me about anything.
Sincerely, Blue.
16-17
