I have noone to vent to

Well im 13, and have literally no one to vent to. Life is just complete shit these days, the best thing is that school started...Im just, worried about him and his health, Im scared that something might happen to him, idk what but im scared even tho if its leaving discord, or sh or something worse..he is life to me, my point of getting out of the bed and living a life, but these days I feel like something isnt right. hes been ignoring me like noone before, replacing me with others I used to know. Im scared to talk to him or to disturb him at any moment, thinking he is talking with someone or having actuall fun..Im not ready for him to leave, he is one of my only friends I ever had..people are betraying me like im nothing these days and they dont know what am I going trough..Ik others situations are 20 times worse but for a child what I am its terrible..Ive been harming myself for few weeks by now, starving myself since last week..my irl friends know nothing about this and im not ready to tell them because they will stop hanging with me..I accidantly threw a pencilcase in my friends head yesterday and I felt like shit, I just didnt know she was comming there I though it was someone else, i couldnt stop saying 'im sorry' I was shaking, thoughs were going crazy, same with my heart.I just couldnt take it, I couldnt take that I hurt someone, in any way..My mother dosnent let me go to a therapist because she thinks im okay and its just in my head, its not I have actuall problems she dosent understand because she thinks every child lives a happy and lovable life. Well mother im not you are the biggest piece of shit I ever saw in my life....these days, only escape is music, nothing more then Ghost a satanic band. Everyone sees them like evel but they are my comfortable people Im literally in love with. My mom and dad dont let me listen to them because they are christians, but tbh I dont give a shit. They are happy when Im listening to bands and not that 'popular' music like kpop and shit. Im only sad because I cant go to any of their rituals because european mf. How the hell did I start talking about music. Im writing everything I think of im sorry for whoever is reading this, and well uhm, have a great day/night...