How to let go

TW

I’ve been really struggling since my bf passed away a few months ago. He was like my twin just a little older. He always understood me better than anyone including my family. I’m ngl I’ve always felt isolated but this one time I felt like someone got it. We met at the bar and had been glued to each other ever since. I have never met anyone like him ever. I feel like he might have been an angel on earth. He was an artist in every way. His artwork, cooking, rapping, words, his smile, thoughtfulness. The way we met felt like a movie. The loneliness and depression I feel is extreme. There hasn’t been a day I haven’t thought about him. Sometimes I want to put myself in risky situations and question if I still have a purpose here. I’ve never felt this alone and sad. I just want to be with him again. I have no closure the way that things went towards the end and the dreams I had the day before and the day of his death make me wish I’d trusted my intuition. I wish I could’ve saved him. I keep wishing but it’s not going to change anything. I’m not even sure I understand that. I’ve tried to talk to people again, but it seems as if most people just want hookups and nudes. Then I ask myself if I even want to date or just someone like him. My mental health is 💩 and I can’t stop this roller coaster ride. I get momentarily distracted by new hyper fixations, but in the quiet dark hours I’m breaking down again. I feel like a part of me died too and I don’t know how to get me back. I never use to feel this hopeless and negative and to top it off I feel like I can’t vent to people I’m close with because it’s such a depressing topic 😞😔