I don't know anymore
I really don't know how to explain how i feel. i feel.. angry, sad, scared, anxious, just everything but happy. it feels like the universe has been against me since the beginning. from being r*ped, sh, ab*se, lonely, neglected, dealt with alcoholics. it's been so hard since i can remember... and the thing is.. i lost my memory, i can remember small things but other than that, i can't remember anything before 6th grade (im 18) i should at least have memories of grade school at least or even family memories like my dad.
i really hate this, people have life so easy but there are some that have it far more worse. Am i just selfish?
im losing touch with friends, im distancing from my siblings and g-parents. i cry sooo much and just... i don't know anymore.
i couldn't do school work 2nd semester of school because of stress and my own family couldn't see it, my own grand parents brushed it off as "just anxiety" and "prayed it away" during final exams i had anxiety attacks because i suddenly didn't know how to read, i'd read a sentence or paragraph and it was either fuzzy or i didn't understand english.
even today, i got an anxiety attack looking for bloody keys, keys! and i threw everything off my desk and messed up my room just to find out my g-mum had them in her room.. she didn't even feel sorry.. im just dumb and selfish.
im venting here because i don't want to seem selfish or worry my friends because they'll tell my family and my g-parents get mad at me for sh and just put me down, i remember a conversation between my mum and aunt saying "i don't wanna live with someone who sh, its just too much work and they'er just selfish" my heart shattered from that comment and now i don't want to talk to them about anything. my g-mum is still trying to understand my anxiety and is ok with me studying mental illnesses because i show her and explain many things for her to understand, like me having symptoms of certain mental illnesses (i won't name or i'll be bullied for it) and she understands and is willing to get me tested when we find the right doctor for it... but my g-pa doesn't understand this stuff and doesn't really want to learn because "we can just pray it away" not realising that God gave people their knowledge and talents for their jobs.
i just wish... my comfort character existed so i can run to them and cry.. i see them more as family than my own family.. i dream of them and i hug them, i cry to them, and i just talk to them til i wake up. they understand me more than my family does.
phew... thank you for reading and understanding. <3
i really hate this, people have life so easy but there are some that have it far more worse. Am i just selfish?
im losing touch with friends, im distancing from my siblings and g-parents. i cry sooo much and just... i don't know anymore.
i couldn't do school work 2nd semester of school because of stress and my own family couldn't see it, my own grand parents brushed it off as "just anxiety" and "prayed it away" during final exams i had anxiety attacks because i suddenly didn't know how to read, i'd read a sentence or paragraph and it was either fuzzy or i didn't understand english.
even today, i got an anxiety attack looking for bloody keys, keys! and i threw everything off my desk and messed up my room just to find out my g-mum had them in her room.. she didn't even feel sorry.. im just dumb and selfish.
im venting here because i don't want to seem selfish or worry my friends because they'll tell my family and my g-parents get mad at me for sh and just put me down, i remember a conversation between my mum and aunt saying "i don't wanna live with someone who sh, its just too much work and they'er just selfish" my heart shattered from that comment and now i don't want to talk to them about anything. my g-mum is still trying to understand my anxiety and is ok with me studying mental illnesses because i show her and explain many things for her to understand, like me having symptoms of certain mental illnesses (i won't name or i'll be bullied for it) and she understands and is willing to get me tested when we find the right doctor for it... but my g-pa doesn't understand this stuff and doesn't really want to learn because "we can just pray it away" not realising that God gave people their knowledge and talents for their jobs.
i just wish... my comfort character existed so i can run to them and cry.. i see them more as family than my own family.. i dream of them and i hug them, i cry to them, and i just talk to them til i wake up. they understand me more than my family does.
phew... thank you for reading and understanding. <3
18-21
