Real or fake?

I used to believe… or better explained, I used to never see anyone as fake, or toxic. I didn’t see anything such as betrayal because to be honest… there was no way for a friend to express such a thing as my life was simple, peaceful… limited. Now I’m closed off. I don’t feel like there’s another soul on this earth I could speak to and they wouldn’t have an ounce of toxicity or any possibility of betraying me in the future. I’ve had many new and old friends this year and there hasn't been one that made me feel like there’s still some faith in humanity. They have made me feel many things, all BUT positive. I feel like I can’t speak to anyone unless I went anonymous -but what’s for sure is, I definitely couldn’t speak to anyone I know-. The funny thing is… that I’ve been with these people through every area of life, I’ve let them cry on my shoulder, I’ve let them vent for hours, I let them hurt me out of anger and they still hurt me without second thought. I don’t think they even care enough to know that they hurt me. Every time I saw someone hurt me like this, I treated the rest of my friends with opposite dignity. I loved them, I made sure everything that made them feel unsure or hesitant was removed from their life. Unlike them, they still managed to hurt me in the most noticeable ways possible… I’m no angel myself. I’ve manipulated. Controlled. But I’ve never managed to not look back. I always apologised, tried better, and still stuck with them through their pains. A few of my closest friends that I supported the most have befriended people who have hurt me out of spite, who have humiliated me in front of hundreds of people, who have physically and verbally harmed me. Yes, these friends knew… one watched and laughed while it happened. One sent them love hearts, hung out with them, hugged them on a daily and messaged them a day after it happened. My heart tore. Two blame all their actions on ‘kindness’, when I know really that unless something involves them, or if someone hurt them, they wouldn’t care to step in. One saw my happiness and decided to snatch the source away three times, after each making lazy promises and manipulating me by saying ‘you’re like a sister to me’ or ‘you’ve been too good to me’. Unfortunately it worked until I cracked. Every time someone hurt me, I tried telling them. They apologised and every time they managed to repeat themselves. I gave up. I’m so tired of this. I’m so restless. I feel like the world has everything to give but the people in it have nothing to grant except pain. I’ve distanced myself. Not because of anger but because I’m too tired to carry on pretending…