am i a rapist?
soo i am new on this app and thought ill confess something here,i dont know if its the right place to be judged.disclaimer i do not want confort.I haven't told anyone this and it feels like the best way to put something of my chest.
so i had an online best friend,lets call her Indy.Indy and i were very intimate,and both queer.We used to vent each other anything and would write about our own character interacting with each other for fun.I soon realised i had feelings for her,as she knew me better than anyone else.So on her 16th birthday i went to suprise her.I was in a dark place back then.I had an ed and could hear voices telling me to do bad things(they soon became vivid people and realised they were alters) also my dad used to abuse me and i guess i wanted to escape from my reality.Indy was a very sensitive person and also had depression,she has never been diagnosed with anything but her routine was crucial and her mood was always wombly.(i didnt know how traumatizing it would have been for her).I slept in her room and stayed for over 15 days(i didnt want to go back)also it was stressfull for her to have her routine blown up and me touching her stuff.Basically i guess i sort of misenterpreted her feelings towards me(in one letter she told me that she loved me,she just didnt know what it meant) and made some moves on her.She didnt know how to respond and i figured if i just pushed her a little bit we would end up together.We kissed once(she told me in one letter we could) but i did it again and didnt ask for consent,i used to call her "baby" as a form of affection.I asked her if she felt the same but she answered she didnt know what she felt.Again i pushed her hoping it would lead her to like me.At this point i was trying to deal with my first persecutor who screamed constantly in my ear (my brain did not function propely because of the lack of nutrients so i could believe literally anything like some demons were trying to possess me whilst i was sleeping).Im sorry if it sounds like im looking for excuses,its not.I guess i could have waited a little for her to figure out her feelings but i thought i didnt have enough time.I was afraid someone would enter my body and i couldnt remember what ive done,somewhat afraid i could get lost into headspace and never front again(i had lack of memory and didnt know who i was when i woke up).That year i came back to her and we sort of..had something going on.I asked her if what i was doing seemed wrong to her she said no.She just told me to "be gentle",ive never would have guessed deep down she didnt want me to touch her in places she didnt want to.She never told me no.When i left i found out her ex had still feelings for her,and got jelaous.I thought shed leave me (she was the only person i had back then) and told her.They hung out as friends and i felt sort of betrayed but i didnt tell her not to hang.So Indy was sort of in a bad situation cause she didnt knew who to choose and what to feel.Soon she became distant,and we began to have little disagreements.Then she decided to cut me of cause i was toxic,my love for her was toxic, and she claimed ive raped her,and that she simply didnt have the courage to speak cause she just froze in certains situation.So one years passed,me trying to get her back cause i genuinely cared about her,and wrote tons of letters telling her i was sorry if she felt that way,and that i didnt mean to harm her in anyway.I just figured she was just shy and "took action" and i soon realised how selfish i was.I was alone and focused on what i wanted that i never wondered what she did.So there.Thats the story of how i lost my absolute best friend in the world and how ive been called a rapist.I cant help but wonder if im really as she described,and if im really a bad person.
so i open myself to judment of strangers,who can have a fair vision of whats happened.
so i had an online best friend,lets call her Indy.Indy and i were very intimate,and both queer.We used to vent each other anything and would write about our own character interacting with each other for fun.I soon realised i had feelings for her,as she knew me better than anyone else.So on her 16th birthday i went to suprise her.I was in a dark place back then.I had an ed and could hear voices telling me to do bad things(they soon became vivid people and realised they were alters) also my dad used to abuse me and i guess i wanted to escape from my reality.Indy was a very sensitive person and also had depression,she has never been diagnosed with anything but her routine was crucial and her mood was always wombly.(i didnt know how traumatizing it would have been for her).I slept in her room and stayed for over 15 days(i didnt want to go back)also it was stressfull for her to have her routine blown up and me touching her stuff.Basically i guess i sort of misenterpreted her feelings towards me(in one letter she told me that she loved me,she just didnt know what it meant) and made some moves on her.She didnt know how to respond and i figured if i just pushed her a little bit we would end up together.We kissed once(she told me in one letter we could) but i did it again and didnt ask for consent,i used to call her "baby" as a form of affection.I asked her if she felt the same but she answered she didnt know what she felt.Again i pushed her hoping it would lead her to like me.At this point i was trying to deal with my first persecutor who screamed constantly in my ear (my brain did not function propely because of the lack of nutrients so i could believe literally anything like some demons were trying to possess me whilst i was sleeping).Im sorry if it sounds like im looking for excuses,its not.I guess i could have waited a little for her to figure out her feelings but i thought i didnt have enough time.I was afraid someone would enter my body and i couldnt remember what ive done,somewhat afraid i could get lost into headspace and never front again(i had lack of memory and didnt know who i was when i woke up).That year i came back to her and we sort of..had something going on.I asked her if what i was doing seemed wrong to her she said no.She just told me to "be gentle",ive never would have guessed deep down she didnt want me to touch her in places she didnt want to.She never told me no.When i left i found out her ex had still feelings for her,and got jelaous.I thought shed leave me (she was the only person i had back then) and told her.They hung out as friends and i felt sort of betrayed but i didnt tell her not to hang.So Indy was sort of in a bad situation cause she didnt knew who to choose and what to feel.Soon she became distant,and we began to have little disagreements.Then she decided to cut me of cause i was toxic,my love for her was toxic, and she claimed ive raped her,and that she simply didnt have the courage to speak cause she just froze in certains situation.So one years passed,me trying to get her back cause i genuinely cared about her,and wrote tons of letters telling her i was sorry if she felt that way,and that i didnt mean to harm her in anyway.I just figured she was just shy and "took action" and i soon realised how selfish i was.I was alone and focused on what i wanted that i never wondered what she did.So there.Thats the story of how i lost my absolute best friend in the world and how ive been called a rapist.I cant help but wonder if im really as she described,and if im really a bad person.
so i open myself to judment of strangers,who can have a fair vision of whats happened.
