just a vent
to be honest, i never done this before, im afraid to talk about my feelings, i don't have many friends, and my family probably wont listen to me anyway. as much i' m scared, i always wanted to talk with someone, but i just couldn't, i don't trust anyone, what if they judge me or something. but here i am, i guess...
maybe this is going to be really cringe, im really bad at expressing my feelings or thoughts, so my biggest apologize. i tried my best!
i'm 16 years old, and i really hate myself. i dont want to be sounds "edgy", but that is the true. i hate my life, i hate that im not good at anything, i hate that, that i'm always the second choice, or not even a choice. i'm a replaceable person, because there is nothing special about me, im a talentless, disgusting loser.
i dont even have any friends, only one, and i thinks she actually likes me too, but still, im afraid that one day she leaves me too. and the another problem is that, i'm way too i attached to her, i actually fell in love with her, i love her so much, she is beautiful, the most kindest person who i ever met. we became friends in 2020, around june, and i think i fell in her around 2020 december. almost 2 years, but i still love her, but the problem is that she is already have a girlfriend(she is a lesbian yes), and sadly we live far to eachother, so there is no way i could confess to her. i wouldn't do it, even if i was able to, because im afraid that i lose her, and as i said she is my only friend, i would die without her.
one day, she met her girlfriend, but they are also in a long distant realtionship, so i came too as little helper! they were both ankward at first time, so i helped them to open up to eachother and other stuff like this. i was really happy, because i was finally usefull to her, i really wanted to help her, but then when things got easier, there was no need to me anymore. and im became the third-wheel. yay.
i dont want to be sounds roud, im really happy for them, they are cute, and my friend really deserves love, and she finally looked happy! (she has actually a really problematic life) but still, it hurts to see them happy. it generally hurts when i see happy people. i wish that it was me. i dont hate her girlfriend, she is really funny and cool, and even talented at art! just like my friend of course! beautiful pepole derserve eachother i think.
but sadly, i can't say that about myself. im interested in art too, its an escape for me. or it was. now, everytime i look at my own art, i just realize how trash it is. just like me. sometimes i think about that, maybe i should give it up, there is no meaning to countinue it.
i wish that, i was cool, and pretty like them, but sadly im not.
TW: SH
in my country, its already summer break, and as much i was exited about it, because i had so many plan, now im lost motiveation in everything. my sleepshedule got worse, i cant sleep at night, but i sleep almost all day, to wake up, to feel like a garbage again.
i know, im not the only one, who feel that kind of way, my mom says that's a teenager stuff and i'll grow out of it, but i feel this "things" since, im 12, and in 2021's summer, it got worse. the only thing that can keep me calm, if i hurt myself. no, i dont do this for the attention, besides me, no one knows about it, i always hide my body. maybe the only one, who knows about it, is my friend, but it doesnt seems like, she is care about this, i think she act like she didnt notice them, but that's okay, i dont want her to "help" on me. and i think, she is literally see this as a "normal" thing. i'm not sure if it's normal is, i dont even know what can be consider as "normal". maybe, there is nobody who is actually "normal", but still i really want to be like this. i want to be happy, i want to have friends, and forget this stupid love thing. i hate being in love. i hate that i can't think straight, because i know that i should forget this, there is no chance for me, but i cant listen to my brain. i always used my brain, to make desions, but not i just cant ignore my feelings, and i really hate this. i know, it really patheic, i'm sorry.
TW !!
sometimes, i think about that i should just end my life, but i can't. my family, my mother needs me! my friend needs me, i'm her only friend too. i dont think i deserve to feel sad, even my friend's life is worse then mine, i think, but still, sometimes i think it would just easier to end things. maybe im actually a forgetable person so, and even my friend wont miss me.
i think that's all, i know it's a mess, and way too long, and probably there is somemany mistakes, but it's actually feels better now. just a little bit. maybe i needed this. to write thing like this.
thank you, if you read this, and have a wonderful day!!
maybe this is going to be really cringe, im really bad at expressing my feelings or thoughts, so my biggest apologize. i tried my best!
i'm 16 years old, and i really hate myself. i dont want to be sounds "edgy", but that is the true. i hate my life, i hate that im not good at anything, i hate that, that i'm always the second choice, or not even a choice. i'm a replaceable person, because there is nothing special about me, im a talentless, disgusting loser.
i dont even have any friends, only one, and i thinks she actually likes me too, but still, im afraid that one day she leaves me too. and the another problem is that, i'm way too i attached to her, i actually fell in love with her, i love her so much, she is beautiful, the most kindest person who i ever met. we became friends in 2020, around june, and i think i fell in her around 2020 december. almost 2 years, but i still love her, but the problem is that she is already have a girlfriend(she is a lesbian yes), and sadly we live far to eachother, so there is no way i could confess to her. i wouldn't do it, even if i was able to, because im afraid that i lose her, and as i said she is my only friend, i would die without her.
one day, she met her girlfriend, but they are also in a long distant realtionship, so i came too as little helper! they were both ankward at first time, so i helped them to open up to eachother and other stuff like this. i was really happy, because i was finally usefull to her, i really wanted to help her, but then when things got easier, there was no need to me anymore. and im became the third-wheel. yay.
i dont want to be sounds roud, im really happy for them, they are cute, and my friend really deserves love, and she finally looked happy! (she has actually a really problematic life) but still, it hurts to see them happy. it generally hurts when i see happy people. i wish that it was me. i dont hate her girlfriend, she is really funny and cool, and even talented at art! just like my friend of course! beautiful pepole derserve eachother i think.
but sadly, i can't say that about myself. im interested in art too, its an escape for me. or it was. now, everytime i look at my own art, i just realize how trash it is. just like me. sometimes i think about that, maybe i should give it up, there is no meaning to countinue it.
i wish that, i was cool, and pretty like them, but sadly im not.
TW: SH
in my country, its already summer break, and as much i was exited about it, because i had so many plan, now im lost motiveation in everything. my sleepshedule got worse, i cant sleep at night, but i sleep almost all day, to wake up, to feel like a garbage again.
i know, im not the only one, who feel that kind of way, my mom says that's a teenager stuff and i'll grow out of it, but i feel this "things" since, im 12, and in 2021's summer, it got worse. the only thing that can keep me calm, if i hurt myself. no, i dont do this for the attention, besides me, no one knows about it, i always hide my body. maybe the only one, who knows about it, is my friend, but it doesnt seems like, she is care about this, i think she act like she didnt notice them, but that's okay, i dont want her to "help" on me. and i think, she is literally see this as a "normal" thing. i'm not sure if it's normal is, i dont even know what can be consider as "normal". maybe, there is nobody who is actually "normal", but still i really want to be like this. i want to be happy, i want to have friends, and forget this stupid love thing. i hate being in love. i hate that i can't think straight, because i know that i should forget this, there is no chance for me, but i cant listen to my brain. i always used my brain, to make desions, but not i just cant ignore my feelings, and i really hate this. i know, it really patheic, i'm sorry.
TW !!
sometimes, i think about that i should just end my life, but i can't. my family, my mother needs me! my friend needs me, i'm her only friend too. i dont think i deserve to feel sad, even my friend's life is worse then mine, i think, but still, sometimes i think it would just easier to end things. maybe im actually a forgetable person so, and even my friend wont miss me.
i think that's all, i know it's a mess, and way too long, and probably there is somemany mistakes, but it's actually feels better now. just a little bit. maybe i needed this. to write thing like this.
thank you, if you read this, and have a wonderful day!!
