I’m what’s wrong
Everything that’s wrong is me
I have nobody that understands me, I pushed those people away in fear of hurting myself or them. I hurt people, I have best friends but I feel like I will never be anyone’s best friend, my current 3 best friends are separate, 2 in my new town and one in my old. I have a crush on 1 of the two and I’m the reason he and 2 got together, I helped them… I still cry myself to sleep. I feel like they are getting tired of me, I used to be close with 1, but ever since he met 2, we’ve drifted and now they hang out 24/7 without me, when I bring up hanging out he blows it off. I feel like they’re going to leave me. Everyone I love romantically leaves me. And my parents, they divorced years ago and I still can’t listen to the sound of a man yelling without getting teary eyed and my heart starting to race. I remember all those times, the fights. Physical and verbally. I lived in a roach and rat infested house cause my dad refused to help us out. He lied to all of us for years. Fought my brother, then my half sister. I still remember that night. I was scared and wanted to go home as I was currently at his apartment, but when my half sister tried to take me he screamed and yelled and they started screaming at each other. My sibling in the other room as I screamed and sobbed as they yanked and pulled me around, he dragged me into a room and locked the door. The police came and my sister acted like the victim, she looked at him and told him he was horrible and she needed time away. As if I want the one getting pulled around, held captive and screamed at. I remember all the pain from that divorce. Specifically one night as I laid crying softly to myself at age 11 as my parents screamed and fought in the next room over. I was never meant to be born, I was a mistake, my moms doctor said to abort me because it was hopeless and I would just cause her pain . She didn’t do it, bless her heart, I love her with all my heart and always will, she’s the strongest women I know. I still cry knowing she never gave up on me, she went through horrible pain and was permanently damaged. I’m a failure, a mistake, I never put effort into school, everybody thought I was crazy and called me horrible names on my birthday. And I never said anything. I’m stupid,useless and selfish. I don’t help around much and I feel horrible, I can’t take care of myself at all and stay in my room every day all day. I hate myself, I’m so ugly and gross, I have hair all over my body , pimples, acne, discoloration, scars, dark brown eyes and hair that I almost never take care of. I have glasses and braces and always wear the same thing and same hat. Even my laugh is ugly, I’m loud and annoying, also creepy. I’m a freak, I find comfort in what scares people and they make fun for it…
I have nobody that understands me, I pushed those people away in fear of hurting myself or them. I hurt people, I have best friends but I feel like I will never be anyone’s best friend, my current 3 best friends are separate, 2 in my new town and one in my old. I have a crush on 1 of the two and I’m the reason he and 2 got together, I helped them… I still cry myself to sleep. I feel like they are getting tired of me, I used to be close with 1, but ever since he met 2, we’ve drifted and now they hang out 24/7 without me, when I bring up hanging out he blows it off. I feel like they’re going to leave me. Everyone I love romantically leaves me. And my parents, they divorced years ago and I still can’t listen to the sound of a man yelling without getting teary eyed and my heart starting to race. I remember all those times, the fights. Physical and verbally. I lived in a roach and rat infested house cause my dad refused to help us out. He lied to all of us for years. Fought my brother, then my half sister. I still remember that night. I was scared and wanted to go home as I was currently at his apartment, but when my half sister tried to take me he screamed and yelled and they started screaming at each other. My sibling in the other room as I screamed and sobbed as they yanked and pulled me around, he dragged me into a room and locked the door. The police came and my sister acted like the victim, she looked at him and told him he was horrible and she needed time away. As if I want the one getting pulled around, held captive and screamed at. I remember all the pain from that divorce. Specifically one night as I laid crying softly to myself at age 11 as my parents screamed and fought in the next room over. I was never meant to be born, I was a mistake, my moms doctor said to abort me because it was hopeless and I would just cause her pain . She didn’t do it, bless her heart, I love her with all my heart and always will, she’s the strongest women I know. I still cry knowing she never gave up on me, she went through horrible pain and was permanently damaged. I’m a failure, a mistake, I never put effort into school, everybody thought I was crazy and called me horrible names on my birthday. And I never said anything. I’m stupid,useless and selfish. I don’t help around much and I feel horrible, I can’t take care of myself at all and stay in my room every day all day. I hate myself, I’m so ugly and gross, I have hair all over my body , pimples, acne, discoloration, scars, dark brown eyes and hair that I almost never take care of. I have glasses and braces and always wear the same thing and same hat. Even my laugh is ugly, I’m loud and annoying, also creepy. I’m a freak, I find comfort in what scares people and they make fun for it…
16-17
