I'm tired of acting grown-up.

for unspecified reasons i will not add,i have been living with my grandparents for 5 years now since my mom had to immigrate when i was 10,ive always been a serious and curious kid and not really growing up with a forced balkan mentality but ..that I had to adapt within the years. I've always avoided making trouble for anyone and being compared with my parents by just their "bad" qualities doesn't help my anger issues. Well so called anger i never ever want to let out because my grandmother is sick, extremely sick..and has the right to get nervous at such an old age its human nature.But i'm 16 as of 2022 and ive had to be a 'mature' kid, ever since..well my mom left.She keeps contact with me but ive been told to not worry her too much despite that i talk and communicate w her; but still theres so much as texting and calls can do to help someone.they probably see me as a good kid,someone who does chores in the house,is kind-hearted and SHOWS it,a kid who is perfect at anything,at speech,at communication ,at grades...but a kid is a kid and i cant stress this enough.How many times have i tried to not let my anger out and be nervous ,i do not want anyone to see because i'll get scolded ill get called immature i'll be called stupid.I must be perfect because even if i dont want to they'll see me as someone who doesnt know how to keep themselves up,worthless and weak,and nobody wants that,i'll start being differentiated..and its something i cant handle.What im trying to convey is, "im just a kid! please let me be one"- is what i'd like to say and have said to my parents ,my siblings .my family..."It's embarrasing to let the others know"- they say..I know that,she didnt ask to take care of me and it befell on her that she had to d it she was in a way begged into it.So me saying im justa kid and you have to deal with it....doesn't help.The only reason i have good grades is because i try make them proud or try make myself useful while also trying to get myself out of my dark thoughts ,afterall being away from family sucks ass..no matter how cold-hearted u are.Trust me when i say im tired but i cant complain for shit,im not allowed to.."you're young " so they say ,"you should be strong and have a will of steel".And an age doesnt mean developing complexes and learning from mistakes,it means u just grow stronger ,nothing else. Thats their mentality ,thats their thought,in no way is it mine.IM allowed to enjoy myself IM allowed to make a choice myself,IM allowed to be a kid because... i am.I am not you you are not me.Im so done with faking a confident look.Making jokes of stuff that should be taking serously,absolutely not.I know whats right for me,well at least 68% i do...and i want to just be carefree sometimes.While writing this i get lost because i try find myself when writing inhopes of someone looking at this just know im ok but i am dealing with hardships.I control myself,but im not a machine..I feel guilty but im not allowed to succumb to self-punishment because i feel like its my fault.Only words can create such a big impact but not only they can fix over the damage.Actions.Its what we do as human beings to show others were doing something we are on the go.Words were much later used when our species first came to evolve .But i digress.. communication is important but learning how to be quiet and acting the right way is too.and much more than words. i overthink my days away in hopes of finding good answers to my complex teenage thoughts rumbling inside my head.. I am a teenager yeah,i use a lot of social media i watch weird shit and i go under unexpected development and i need my private space. By now you'll be reading the last signing off sentences.I think i calmed down more by writing this out but my problem is still left in the dark. This was just a quick way for me to connect back to my 'mature' self.For when i find a trusting adult i will speak to them for my problems.Thanks whoever read it this far ,remember how a billion of positive memories may still not be enough against a single negative event coming your way. Try not to panic,but dont bottle your feelings,let yourself be free away from the sight of others is what i say to myself ,maybe it could be an advice worth your time.Goodbye maybe ill write here again.
:)