Admitting things to yourself is hard

Spilling my guts out online because I have nobody in real life to vent to, quite pathetic if I do say so myself. Please laugh I’m trying to be funny. Anyways, when I was growing up my life was perfect, I had everything I needed, a sweet best friend, a kind big sister to look up to and parents who loved me. As I grew older things fell apart, my sister started to abuse drugs. She threatened me with knives, called me worthless and said I meant nothing to her. I loved her so much it broke me, I felt as if my world was falling apart. Then one day I went in to school and told my best friend I loved her, we were both girls at the times, and she pushed me away and called me disgusting. My heart shattered again and again for weeks before my parents said we were moving away, to start somewhere new. I didn’t want to leave no matter how much it hurt this was my home but I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion, whatever parents said goes. When we moved things got worse, my sister ran away and left me with my parents, and my dad started drinking a lot more and became more verbally and mentally abusive and my mother just disappeared entirely. At my new school, people judged me for the way I looked and said I was a freak. I was at my breaking point and decided one day I was going to try and end it all. I wrote letters to everyone, telling them everything i never had the courage to say and tied the rope around my neck. It failed and I felt disappointed because I couldn’t even do that right. I would sh almost every night and felt as if my life meant nothing. Fast forward a few years and I live separated from everyone else, a wall built around me. Someone asked me today why I never let people love me, and why I wanted to be lonely. The moment I got home and went to my bedroom I broke down crying and sobbing and realised a few things. I love my big sister, I will always love her, she means the word to me but loving her hurts more than being stabbed. My parents aren’t bad parents, they’ve been through a lot and I can’t blame them. My best friend, well ex best friend now, might hate me but in my heart there is a special place for her that’ll never disappear. What I do to myself is to try and fill the hole in my heart that is waiting to be loved and it’s not gonna go away until I let myself be loved. I need to trust people, I need love and I need to stop being a coward because we only live once. Anyways that’s it i guess, if you actually read to the end congrats I just wasted your time. Have a good day or night and if you’re going through something right now I hope it gets better :)