i am exhausted

i feel like I can't take this anymore nothing is helping and I don't know what to do. i feel awful constantly, i feel lonely,useless, numb, i hate myself. recently i stopped a toxic friendship and it's for the best but now i literally don't have any close friends that are open to hear me. i mean.. i have but I don't want to bother them.. because, being in toxic friendship, i was expected to comfort her 24/7 and i was so sick of this. she never stopped venting. now i just can't get how you can feel sorry for someone and not find their thoughts annoying. i literally lost ALL my empathy, I don't care about others feelings and i feel bad. i only care for myself at this point. like, what others will think if i told them that i dont care abt their problems...? they'll say that im selfish and ofc i want everyone to love and adore me so i just fake my emotions and love. i am disgusting. in fact, right now i am very lonely and upsetting my friends, yes i DO have friends and have the audacity to be lonely. I don't have any resources to talk. I've been talking w only one person for a month now, replying 1-2 times in a day. And yet i still don't have any resources or powers. I end up ignoring everyone's messages in the end. I feel so drained. Others said that taking a break would help, but it's such a lie. A break wouldn't help. It never helped me. I am always taking breaks from people and just feel rlly lonely, still having no resources. It IS my fault that i am this lonely, i literally made my friends sad and pushed them away with my ignoring.. i really really wanna talk with them but i just can't bring myself to reply. i let them down again, i am so sorry.. im such an attention seeker, i crave it so badly.. i hate myself. i hate my body. i even managed to develop an eating disorder, but never lost any weight. just more self-hate, yay. and i have to find powers to get up and act like a happy-funny-clown tomorrow. because that's the role i chose back then.. nobody needs to see me being a mess, who wants this anyways.i shouldn't be surprised that im not being taken seriously and my problems are ignored by most of people, therefore it's all my fault. if only I wasn't lazy and found powers to reply them on time and actually understood how much they mean to me.. i shouldn't have taken them for granted, i am stupid. my thoughts are really chaotic, that's a lot... i really needed to let that out, I've been bottling up my emotions for a long time