Rant 3.... [I Am Venting]
I know I’m not a good person but at this point I don’t think I want to be one
Takes a vast amount of effort and it seems I’m merely doing an imitation of being a good person but it doesn’t feel genuine
Do I think I’m completely bad? No I definitely live with an ambivalence
Two sides and one conflict kinda deal
I know the things I do are bad but I feel like the only reason I know is because the rules say it’s bad
Sometimes I think about being a better person but it’s so easy to slip back into that dark hole
I’ve considered suicide before of course it’s not because I want to end my suffering since I’m not really suffering
More like I feel the child in me afraid of seeing where these habits and thoughts will lead me
So instead of seeing that happen it wants to preserve what goodness is left
I feel like this is a critical point in my life where I’m met with this incredible overwhelming force of darkness and in the end it’s really up to me to decide whether to consume or be consumed by it
Takes a vast amount of effort and it seems I’m merely doing an imitation of being a good person but it doesn’t feel genuine
Do I think I’m completely bad? No I definitely live with an ambivalence
Two sides and one conflict kinda deal
I know the things I do are bad but I feel like the only reason I know is because the rules say it’s bad
Sometimes I think about being a better person but it’s so easy to slip back into that dark hole
I’ve considered suicide before of course it’s not because I want to end my suffering since I’m not really suffering
More like I feel the child in me afraid of seeing where these habits and thoughts will lead me
So instead of seeing that happen it wants to preserve what goodness is left
I feel like this is a critical point in my life where I’m met with this incredible overwhelming force of darkness and in the end it’s really up to me to decide whether to consume or be consumed by it
