I just need to let this out

I have a stepdad and I hate him. He's emotionally abusive and just not a good person. But he tricks everyone into thinking that he's some cool dude, which makes you almost feel crazy because no one believes that he'd ever be like that. Growing up, my friends loved him and wished they had a dad like him, they never understood. I mean, there were some days where he was pretty cool and did nice things, made you think he did care or had some ounce of love for you, but that was all part of his game. I'm just now finally beginning to understand exactly how he has affected me. I hate myself and specific things that I do or can't do, because of the way he talked down to me and constantly belittled me. I always felt stupid, ugly, unwanted, and unloved. Even though I have my own place and haven't seen him for six months, I'm still not free. I'm still battling a war in my mind that started as his voice and has become my own. I still have to keep the peace so he doesn't take it out on my mom or my siblings. I can't yell at him and tell him all the awful things he's brought upon me, I can't ignore his texts, I can't seem rude. I have to act like everything is fine and he's the best dad ever. I hate it and I hate him.