Taught to be evil

It is hard to keep you there.
Missing you with sweet words left unsaid.
Caring deeply for your continued happiness.
Understanding why you need me gone.
To keep my longing from becoming hatred.

It is hard to hold you in my memories.
Your life warming in our arms.
My cold self whithering to dust.
Dust kept together in your hands.
To keep my scattered self from seething.

It is hard to remember your name.
Without feeling joy.
Without feeling sorrow.
Without feeling the love that bloomed.
Without disgust seeping deeper into my bones.

It is hard to know that it is okay.
To miss you, to hope you are okay.
To move on and love another.
To know you are in love with another in turn.
But I was taught to be evil.

And evil is difficult to be unlearnt.

Sometimes my mind fades into foggy grey.
Moving and grasping at reality.
Standing on unsure and unsteady ground.
Trapped in nothing but uncertainty.
Unable to choose where I want to be.
My breathing slows, my body stops.
I assess myself and slowly, reality comes back to me.

You are there, too. In the fog. Beyond reach, beyond reproach.
Beyond me.
I am alone in that place.
Just waiting to return back.
Fear and stilness gripping my heart.

But then I return.
Muddling through.
Devising new health strategies.
Practicing my current ones.
Relaxing my tired body.
Relying on my partner.

I was taught to be evil.
And evil is difficult to be unlearnt.